I think I am going to start writing in the other journal, notebook paper, because I just want to get shit together finally, but I know I'm not going to be able to do it this weekend because I am going to be very busy. Tonight I get to see Liz finally and I haven't see her in so long. All that I have seen of her is what she's been writing in her online journal. I want to see her face to face because I miss that face of hers. I am so excited for her and can't wait to see her performance. I think she's a perfect actress and I think she should do plays more often...honestly. Saturday, I have to clean my bathroom, work, and in between all of that I have to go buy tickets for my friends so we can see Shallow Hal. I want to plan stuff because I never get to plan anything. All my other friends are always in charge and I don't want to be the under dog. Sunday, I'm going shopping with Jenni and Megan. They're giving me a "makeover" because I told them how I have no style sense and how I really need some clothes that I actually like. They're so nice to take me. I hope they shop for themselves also. I'm sure they will. Also I hope they don't pick out some skippy little top and say,"try this on it will look so cute on you." I'll just say, "No way."

Strange, but I have been actually listening to Michael Jackson music. His songs are very popish. I really like dancing alone. Especially to jumpy, groovy music like Jackson's. There is just something about dancing alone when no one is there. I think it has been my anti-depressant lately especially with all the mess that's been going on.

Also, my creative writing teacher gave us a good idea. Well, he didn't really give us the idea, he kind of showed us a book with a great idea. This author wrote a book with all his thoughts and dreams that happen right when you wake up and kind of half asleep. You know when that happens when you think of some really great idea right before you fall asleep and then in the morning you forget it. I do that all the time. It's really a great idea. I think I am going to start writing like that in my red journal that I got. I still haven't written in it because I want to make the first entry exactly how I feel and I guess make it look perfect. You know start out with a fresh clean start. Anyway, I'll type later.

Maybe I should get rid of this whole online journal thing and just write in my writing or real journal. My red journal at home. Real writing.

in computer business now. i feel a little bit more awake I guess because this hour i don't have to type up a big long paper that won't be my best work of writing. i like typing like this in lowercase.

also last hour i started a new journal for creative writing class because i didn't feel like typing anything. i just felt so lazy and tired and still feel like that. i really wish i was at home in my nice warm bed underneath the covers, but instead i'm in dreary school. stinky.

Feeling really tired. Have a lot of homework to do and I have to work tonight. Really really tired that I don't even feel like writing anything anymore. I got asked out by someone again. Haven't given them an answer. I just don't even feel like dealing with it. in creative writing right now. bye

I apologize for that last entry. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I seemed really really mad. I feel much better today and I don't know why I felt so angry yesterday. I like waking up after a bad day because you feel so much better like you just got over some bad case of the flu or something. I feel sick today and just want to fall asleep on my nice and cofy bed only I have the joy of going to work today. I feel really lathargic lately. wow, yeah...I used a big word. anyway, ugh...I feel sick. When I get home I am going to take a small nap before I go to work and then when I get home from work I am going to go right to bed. I think I will feel much better tomorrow.

Is there something wrong with me or is it just regular female experience? It seems like I fall in love with every guy I meet. Why can't I be strong and just not think about boys in that way? I don't know how people just ignore being alone. It drives me crazy. Damnit I thought about him again. and that other dude again. Oh yeah...thanks for reminding me...yeah...that big god damn mistake.

I'm gaining weight. It's a known fact. Hey! and just in time for basketball season to start! Except guess what?!! I'm not going to be in basketball! Instead I am probably going to keep gaining weight until I end up really hating myself. That damn rocky road ice cream. That evil american pie pizza. That possesed and devilish chocolate. Why do all of sudden I feel like I'm falling apart?

Why do I feel like I am going to cry any second?

I hate this. I hate my life. I hate being in this body and having this strange personality. I hate my face and my body and the way it is and why it won't be the way I want it to be. I hate my shyness and encredable way I can't spell words. I hate feeling so conceited. I hate the way I say the wrong things. I hate the way I can't try a little harder. I hate the way I love and chase boys. I hate the way I look at people. I hate the way I dress. I hate the way I can't stand up for myself. I hate that I lie. I hate seeing couples in the hallway kissing each other. I hate being a dork. I hate not talking. I hate talking. I hate that I quit basketball. I hate that I can't get better grades. I hate the way I watch MTV every fucking day. I hate the way I hate myself. I hate feeling spoiled. I hate being lazy. I hate that I won't take respondsibility. I hate the way I act too serious. I hate the way I laugh and sing and cry. I hate it when they tell me they love me when really they don't. I hate when some guy picks another girl over me. I hate being dumped. I hate when I dump a guy. I hate relationships. I hate school. I hate my room. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.

Does that sound good to you?

P.S. My new e-mail address is FallingUp3@aol.com

Reoccuring song in my head: You Rock My World -Micheal Jackson

Just a quick note:

Liz,
I love you so much!!! Thank you for taking the time to write in your online journal to express those heartwarming words to me. You are better than the best and I mean that! I never thought about it, but yes, we should be united. Only we have to have our own little taste of expression other wise we would drive each other crazy!!! Well, I guess we already do that. Hehe. I'm sorry for being such a jealous zombie. Also, I really like that diary entry because you sound so happy that you could tackle anything that would try to make you unhappy. I'm glad you had a fun time at Snowball Camp. I wish I could have gone. Don't worry about not calling me...I was dead to the world and wouldn't have been able to talk anyway. We'll talk later when ever you have time.

Love you to bits!!!
-Angie
xoxoxo

3 girls...There she goes

I think I have started a new online journal except I don't know if I am comfortable with it yet. I've written in this one for a while and I don't want to get rid of it, but I feel like something new. Then again, who doesn't feel for something new? Anyway, here it is...

notebook paper

What would life be without drama?

Read Liz's notes at her Open Diary. She seems to be really popular which is wonderful because more people need to recognize her by what she truelly is. Makes me jealous. I wish I could see her this weekend. Seems like I haven't seen her in so long. It's seems to be a pattern. I miss her, then she misses me, then I miss her, then she misses me. I really wish I knew what's going on inside that little head of hers. I wonder what she's thinking and what she's worrying about. I wonder what she thinks about me and why she's the way she is. How come I feel so connected to her, but then sometimes she feels so distant?

Dan really seems like such a perfect guy, but I feel like there has to be some kind of string attached to this perfectness. He is so open, that's all I know. I remember saying to him that I wished all guys were like him. I know that could never possibly happen. Makes me think some more about what kind of man I want. Sometimes it's great just to dream and wonder knowing that there is some guy or girl out there that will love you back. Hopefully there is one.

I've been kind of wondering whether or not Liz is becoming best friends more with Dan than me. But I can't be jealous because I've had my share of her for 7years. Makes me wonder how I came to trust her so much and how am I going to do that with a guy? How do people know each other for 2 months and just know they are perfect for each other?

I thought about just now and asked myself why did I go out with the guys I went out with. Colin, Nathen, Rich, Don, Tim and Brian. With Colin I was just a dumbass and wanted a boyfriend because I never had one before. Nathen: We became friends and I think we just both felt this was as good as it was going to get. We stayed together because we were scared to tell each other the truth. Rich: A way to get over Nathen, thought I liked him, but really just felt lonely. Don: Cute, different, knew what to do with girls, but really was just a pimp. Tim: I liked the way we met because when we talked, it felt like magic, but really I think we had no one else to talk to. Brian: Nice, understanding, really just wanted to go to the dance with him, but instead ended up to be a relationship I was too afraid to say no to.

Damnit! I am really such a dumbass with boyfriends. I think I am going to quit dating until I know it will work out. Someone who I know I will act myself around and I know they will except me that way. Hopefully there is someone out there like that...

I hate when I feel lonely. I always start thinking about past relationships.

I don't want to be lonely.

There are so many things I have to get out of my head right now and I feel like typing them down here. Here I go:

The play was a success! Saturday night I think we sold out of tickets. I really loved this play and I adore every character that was in it. Every ending with the lights seemed to be perfect. I just love doing the lights and I think Ryan and I are going to be doing lights until we graduate. Yea!!! By the way, thank you to all the people that I am really close to for coming. It really meant a lot to me.

Movie, movies, movies! I just want to see so many! I want to rent The Mighty because I remember it being a really inspirational movie. In the theatre I want to go see Serendipity and Riding in Cars with Boys. Next weekend I also have to go mini golfing with Jenny, Kelli, Ryan, and maybe Jackie and Megan. It will be so much fun because I have been meaning to get out of the house. Plus this Friday, my parents' friends are coming and I don't feel like dealing with them. Thank god I get to work that day. Saturday is Jackie's Halloween party which means I have to figure out my costume. Sunday I'll have to go mini golfing. I guess I won't have time to see a movie next weekend. That's okay, I'll have fun anyway.

Liz, babe, I love you so much! Thank you for your many compliments! We need, I mean NEED to get together sometime and talk about anything and everything. I'll bring pizza! I miss you too!

Alright, here's the word that's been rolling around in my head all this month: PERFECT. I really need to get my shit together. I don't think I will be able to start getting organized until next week when I don't have anything planned. Also, I have officially started my so called diet today. I'm also going to start exercizing until I can't take anymore. I should also start reading everynight. It's the beginning of a cleaner and brighter me! This morning, I really paid attention to what I was eating. I had a piece of toast with rasberry jam and a glass of ice water. So far it's going great.

So lets see...diet, exercise, read, clean room and bathroom, homework, and...and...oh yeah! The most important stuff. My personality. I really don't want to be a quiet depressive girl. I should also allow myself to have bad days. I really want to treat everyone around me better. I can get people really confused and then they think the wrong thing. Mostly I need to treat people better than I do now. Especially my parents and close friends. I also want to start walking to school because I am sick of relying on people to give me rides. I also need to start saving my money. I need to deposit some money in the bank next weekend. Anything else? No more T.V. or internet at home. I get enough of that.

One more thing....I have to buy the new Incubus CD tomorrow!!! Alright I'm done.

I have fifteen minutes to type a fraction of all the things I want to say.

Each day play practice seems to be ending later, later, and later. Last night I didn't get home until 9:45. School is turning into my second home away from home. We are doing much better with the lights it's just that everyone is stressed out because Mr. S wants it to be perfect as can be. I don't blame him, but it's not good to get everyone worked up to the point of grabbing knifes and almost killing ourselves. Tonight is the night before the performance and I am sure everyone will be extremely impatient and annoyed.

On a lighter note, school is going great. I have been actually doing my homework and concentrating on school. Hopefully I didn't speak too soon. However, I am behind in Creative Writing. There are all these papers I want to write that are all done at the end of the quarter and I don't know where to start. Yesterday, the psat test wasn't that bad. For some strange reason I liked being challenged with the test. I wasn't stressed at all.

Anyway, maybe if I get home early tonight I will type some more on this thing. I also have to call Liz back. Sorry babe.

I feel naked without wearing socks.

Listening to the wonderful Bjork, Vespertine. Her music is so calming, fresh, clean, honest and original. I have never really listened to any of her music before, but this album is absolutely wonderful listening. It almost sounds like the air is sparkling.

Anyway, still feeling like I should clean up my act. I want to decrease the mess and keep the basic needs in my life. Get rid of the useless crap, like swear words. It really makes me dirty when I swear and I've noticed I've been swearing a lot lately. Also, I've got FAT on the brain these days. I woke up today thinking, "I think today I am going to starve myself." Then a few hours later I'm eating a bowl full of rocky road ice cream. I'm really stupid I know. I remember last year I went to basketball practice hadn't eaten anything all day. It felt so good. I was exercising, eating hardly anything. Now, I'm doing the exact opposite. Eating a lot of junk food, and not exercising. Ugh.

I want to learn about other people's lives and wonder why they live the way they do.

Yesterday was really wonderful. I drove my parents around and did erons (sp?). It was raining heavily as if the world was up side down. Went to trade winds, a very natural hippy store that I love going to. I was looking for this one little bag I saw the last time I was there and they didn't have it anymore. Felt upset about that. But otherwise it was a well spent day spent with wonderful parents. Watched Saturday Night Live last night for the first time in a while. Also rented The Rocky Horror Picture Show to see what it was all about. My parents didn't like it at all. I thought it was interesting and gave you a different point of view. Funny and weird. Maybe it's not my type of musical, but it was a new experience.

I am going to go take a shower now, because I want to call this one girl back that I like being friends with and do something today with her. so, I'm off to the shower.

Pure good old fashioned girl goodness...

Thinking a lot today about what kind of girl I am. Feeling kinda bummed because I screwed up doing the lights practicing for the play today or I guess now yesterday. Felt like such a dumbass. Got a little punchy with the buttons. All I need to do is start over and ignore the past mistakes and tomorrow just start all over and do things right. Also feeling really conceited lately. Thinking about myself too much is not good. Feeling really big as in chunky big today. Maybe it's that after time-of-the-month feelings. I usually feel depressed afterwards. Okay, maybe that was a little too much information. Also, still confused about what kind of clothes style I have. I thought I figured this out a long time ago. Anyway...

Still feeling that wanting to be clean-cut and new. I wish I could get a makeover this weekend and then on Monday go to school a totally different person. I really wish I wasn't afraid of them, all the people at school. I'm so timid and afraid to wear certain clothes because I guess I'm afraid they might stare or say something mean. I'm so pathetic.

I just want to organize and skim the fat out (no phun intended) of my life. I mean the things that I don't need to do in my life. Watch T.V and such. I have so much stuff in my room that I want to get rid of. My wardrobe feels like a disaster because my mind is totally confused about what kind of clothes I really like. What do I want to show other people on the outside. Plus I feel bad for all the money I have been spending and that I haven't been saving my money at all. I really need to get my life together and make it perfect and clean cut.

I feel much better now because maybe I got those two tests over with. They weren't that hard, just that they made me think. I need to tell him how I feel that's all I know I have to do. I feel so imbalanced and stressed. Last night I also had these really weird thoughts about no eating anything anymore and just starving myself to death. I don't feel that way anymore, but I don't like the way that I look. I've been trying to be that kind of girl that doesn't care what kind of weight she is. All I guess I have to keep thinking to myself about is that I'm healthy and that's all that counts. I guess, to tell you the truth, I don't want to end up looking like my mom. I know that sounds really bad and I know if I told her that, it would really hurt her feelings. I know if someone told me that they didn't want my body I would cry too.

Relaxed and yet unsettled.

It's really amazing to hear girls talk about their future. It makes me sort of sorry for the guys. They plan that they're going to get married and have kids. What are guys thinking of doing? I think I kind of have it all planned out, but I'll explain about that later.

Felt really depressed when I woke up this morning. I was thinking about basketball and how much I miss it. Megan kept on saying I should try out, but it's too late. Now I fully understand how Liz felt when she couldn't do ballet anymore.

Liz. Thank you for everything. You are so beautiful in more ways than one.

The truth is...

I really love my best friend. All my other friends don't like her. Even my boyfriends didn't like her. What do I say to her? I defend her whenever they say something. Liz has the greatest personality. She has made me realize so many things. I know she has flaws. She's not perfect. In fact I love her style and her philosophy. I have flaws. She knows that too. We both forgive each other. Not many people have that kind of relationship. We both can be a bitch sometimes. We both study each other. We both have different styles. We have different philosophies. But we both realize it's okay to have your own opinion and we both except that we both have different lives and we can't shape the other one to be what we want them to be. I lot of people think she's crazy. I bet if they knew me...they would think I was crazy too. Liz is not afraid to tell things like it is. I am. I shy away from things and lie and adjust myself to this media. I guess I make myself better than what I am. A shadow. I wonder even if I told Liz who I really am, I wonder if she would even be my best friend. I think she would.

I don't know why I'm like this. I'm human. Everyone is like this. I'm afraid of everything that I am. I wish she knew what I was feeling. but I can't express in words the way I am feeling. I'm afraid of crying. but I already am. I am afraid to tell a boy that I just want to be friends. I am afraid of getting involved in school. I am afraid of becoming something extreme that I might get embarrassed. Blushing. I guess I can't trust. I can't trust my best friend. I can't trust my parents. my family. I can't trust myself. I don't have enough confidence. I really love her. I can't even believe how much we are friends. It's like a dream. I want to tell her everything, but for some reason I am afraid. I don't even know how she can trust me and tell me everything. I guess I want to keep it all hidden.

I write too much...

I'm jealous. I'm confused on what to do. I don't know what I want. I can't find the answer. I can't get things straight.

She's so beautiful. She's so wonderful. She's so everything I wish I was. If only people would see how spine tingling wonderful she is. She makes me so happy. She gets me away from my family for awhile. I'm getting confused as to what's more important...family or her. I wish she knew how I feel right now. I just can't lose her. I'm so afraid I am going to loose her. I don't want her to go. She gave me everything I have right now and she gave me confidence. I am so thankful to have her. I just don't want to make her mad or make her go away. She's always there. She's always been there. I wish she was here.

Wow...it's Sunday...

I haven't been online at all lately. Feels good that I haven't been on. Anyway...life is funny. I have so many perfect moments in my life. The thing is that they're not perfect, they're just completely beautiful.

I read my best friend's journal. I'm not just writing this because I know she's reading this. I'm saying what I'm feeling at this exact moment because I know it's true and right. For my whole life I have been scared and sort of hiding from things. I don't know why I'm shy or why I have become this quiet nature. No one really knows anything about me. I'm so closed up inside. Writing is my love. Writing sets me flying and turns me into anything. Writing has always been my way to let people know who I am. There is no way I can express in writing how much I love writing right now. I turn people away and not let them know how I feel. I wonder if that is because of what happened when I was a child, but maybe it's just how I am. I love keeping secrets from my parents. It's not right, but I guess that's how it's always been. If my parents knew what was going on in my world, they would lock me away and never let me have a personality. It's not there fault. It's just the way I've always been. I guess maybe because they treat me like a child. My mom doesn't let me breath any bit of the world. Maybe because she doesn't want anything to happen to me like what happened to her. I love my mom to bits. It's just sometimes I wish I didn't have to take care of her. I wish she was happy. I wish she wasn't all depressed and hopeless. I wish my dad was happy. I wish I could let him taste life instead of watching the T.V. every night. I've always wanted to be my dad. Last week I hit my mom. I hit my mom. How could I have done that? She said,"Now all three daughters have hit me." I cried. I remember when I was little and my dad would fight my sisters. I didn't know who the victim was, the sister or the dad. We watch our parents and see what they do. I think that's why I hit my mom because my dad use to hit my sisters. Why am I making this a pity party for myself? I don't even know why or how this lead up to this. I'm not trying to get attention. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Other people in the world had it worse than me. Liz. Why do I complain when someone I know had it worse. I can't complain to her because I know she had is rough.

There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
— Ovid, METAMORPHOSE

Yes!!!! I am very happy right now because everything seems to be starting over again. Sort of. I did my homework last night and finished my Spanish presentation today. A load has been lifted off of my shoulders. I guess because I finally got off my lazy ass and did stuff yesterday. Last night I started reading the Catcher in the Rye and decide to start reading every night before I go to bed. Smells like a plan. Anyway, I have nothing more to say except Liz, love you and miss you babe!

Didn't finish my homework and I don't think I ever will tonight. I went scraping websites tonight for a picture of the moon. It's for a Spanish project that I was suppose to do tonight. I feel really bad that I didn't finish. I just couldn't find any good pictures. Plus I'm just stuck feeling like I can still do this tomorrow. I have been putting homework off for some time and I hate it when I'm like this. Why can't I just do my homework? I don't want to let my partner down, the one that's doing the project with me, but I just can't do it. I keep putting it off and off until I just don't feel like doing it. I guess I will have to work on it tomorrow. I should have started over the weekend. I feel really stressed out and I know it's my fault. Damnit! I know I shouldn't swear but I feel like doing it to myself tonight. Why can't I just do my homework? I'm such a lazy ass. Why do I have to be like this? Is it stress? Perfectionism? Routine? Laziness? Why? I hate when I'm like this and I hate having to do things. I just want to relax. But I can't. I'm getting all worked up over nothing. I should really work on my project. But I just want to go to bed. My room is a disaster. Homecoming is coming up. My dog can't get house trained. The play starts next week. My sister is coming Friday. I have a project due Wednesday. I have to read part of a book due tomorrow. I have to work the day of the homecoming game. New girls at work are driving me crazy. A boy wants to go out with me, but I don't want to really go out with him. I feel like I could burst into tears at any second. STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do I have to be this way? I hate myself so much for doing this. Why can't I be respondsible? Why can't I be organized? Why can't I be perfect?

I guess I should listen to Anne Frank: "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

It's a new beginning...

Okay, I have to get out what I am feeling right now... My life is so messed up right now and I am too lazy to put it back together again. I'm such a slacker. That's the key word of my life these days: SLACKER. Going to go rollarblading maybe to help me think a little bit. I'll be back.

Feeling absolutely spine tingling delicious!

It was one of those nights you wish didn't end. A night where you don't even need the stars to come out to make it special. I'm getting into that blind love feeling and to tell you the truth, it feels wonderful. I don't want to ever wake up.

Do you hate her because she's pieces of you?-Jewel

Okay, now I really need to get everything together after school today because each passing day becomes more and more stressful. I guess because I'm in that perfectionist groove right now and I want everything to be organized and right. Mostly because I haven't been doing my homework or really concentrating on school. I've been in a daze. I guess I want to keep my grades balanced and try and get straight As this semester because all of my classes seem so easy. I'm not even really trying hard at all. Today, 9th hour (By the way I am in computer class right now) I have a math test. Kind of nervous and kind of in that mood that thinks, "I don't care."

Work was hard yesterday because there was this new girl and she wasn't paying attention to me while I was showing her how to do things. She was nervous and trying hard and I can understand that. I could also be nice to a couple of mistakes, but I think she screwed up like 5 orders. I wonder if my boss got kind of angry at me maybe because I was not doing my job of trying to help her. Oh well. It's a new day.

I have to start thinking about what I am going to do when I get home so I can organize my life. First I think I should organize my backpack. Then my room. Maybe start cleaning the ever creepy and scary closet. There are some other things I want to accomplish like start eating healty and exercising. I was just thinking about everyday after school I should go on the tredmill and walk for like 30 minutes. I only went on the tredmill for 2 days last week because it was really hard to run for 15 minutes. I think I should slow down and just walk. It doesn't seem like much but I heard of many people losing weight because of walking. I also want to start saving my money. I have a really big wishlist at amazon.com. I should wait until my birthday or Christmas to get them. So, lets see...stay organized, do homework, eat healthy, exercise, save money...hmmm....oh yeah! Start reading more. I really want to start reading The Catcher in the Rye. The beginning seems good and maybe I'm just lazy to read. Maybe I should read on the weekends or before I go to bed. I'll figure it out. I know this seems really boring to however is reading this, but I am just trying to get my life back together. So this is really important to me.

Anyway, I am having a really good day today. If only I go home, do my homework and clean my room then everything will be wonderful. I just have to ignore the T.V., the internet, and get started. I have to stop being such a lazy ass.

Absolutely wonderful feeling...

Feeling tired...

I haven't been doing the things that I've been wanting to do lately. Haven't been doing homework. Haven't been keeping my room clean. Haven't been waking up on time. Haven't been studing. I feel like I'm falling. I hate my daily route. What happened to the good routine that I had made on my own before? So, far I am getting As in all of my classes except for Chemisty. My teacher makes me mad because he gets me confused and I guess I don't study. I just give up. I really wish I wasn't like this. I should go do my math homework and the homework that was due today. The teacher didn't check to see if I did it. I don't want to hate school because you learn so much. School keeps my life put together and makes me feel like I have a life. I'm not the only one. I think tomorrow I am going to start getting help from the teachers. I guess I only need help with math right now and the test is Thursday. All I need to do is ask for help. That's I need to do.

This whole homecoming thing is getting to me. Why do schools have dances anyway? I like dances, but to me I don't really do much. I guess it is a good way to spend a Saturday night. Today, a boy asked me to the dance. I don't know if I like him, but I don't feel as excited as I was before. He's different than me and doesn't seem like my type. I know he's not perfect, but I just don't feel comfortable around him. I guess because I hardly know him. Maybe I should have just gone to the dance alone. I feel like I'm trapped in going with a guy. It's like I won't feel like myself if I don't have a guy with me. I know it's stupid. It makes me mad the way I am that I can't handle being alone. I love knowing that I can depend on myself and take care of things by myself. I only wish I could get everything straight. I am not saying perfect, just independent lifestyle. On my own.

I've been really thinking of Liz. I hope she's okay. I think I am going to call her after I get finished typing. I miss her not being around. We have different friends. Different things we do. I really miss her. I don't know why I feel so...sad. I also keep on thinking that one day we will share an apartment together. I can also image us getting into fights about our different lifestyles. I don't care I just really like her so much I don't know why right now. Why?

The world is so funny. Why does it make me cry...

Music I like:
Tori Amos
Moby
The Beatles
Incubus
Radiohead
No Doubt
Matchbox20
Jewel
Coldplay
Alanis Morissette
Ani Difranco

Say the word serendipity...

My love horoscope reads,"Has your free-to-be-me philosophy yielded to a r-r-relationship? September 26 will tell." I like that "free-to-be-me" because it says exactly how I feel and maybe to many other girls it means something too. Honestly I think one half of me has that philosophy and the other half of me wants a relationship to cling to. I enjoy independence and the free will to do things I want to do by myself, but I fancy sharing something special with another human-being. Learning and growing and blooming into a memory I won't forget. Mostly and lately I have struck my friendship nerve. I love my friendships, the uniqueness of all of them. I love sharing, laughing, and growing with them. Why have a love relationship when I already have a love relationship with my friends? Thank God for them otherwise I wouldn't know who I am. The real problem is I can't make my friends...my life.

I got Tori Amos's new cd yesterday called StrangeLittleGirls. I haven't listened to the whole thing because I was listening to it before I fell asleep. So far I think it is very good and I think I am going to enjoy it fully. I also have been thinking about getting another album by Ani DiFranco. They both have this incredibly awesome vibe that I get when I listen to them.

Anyway, it's weird to say this now, but I am trying to talk to someone that I desperatly want to talk to, but I can't seem to start off a good conversation with him. I can't name who because I would be really embarrased to mention his name. I don't even know why. I'm in that mood where I have this boy I like and I like thinking about him.

School is going great even though I do not know all of my grades. So far I know I am getting an A both in Spanish and Math. Okay, I have to go on back to the subject about the boy. I tried to avoid the subject, but it failed. Thinking about him doesn' t make me feel so lonely anymore. But then again it does. I all of sudden got that tingle in my spine like something great is going to happen. You know whenever you get a crush, you feel totally blissful and lightheaded. Now I really want to talk to him. Okay on to a different subject now.

Yesterday I went on the tredmill after school for 30 minutes. It felt great to exercise again. While I was on the tredmill I was watching Tori's music videos. I switched off walking and running like for one song I ran and then the next song I walked, then the next I ran and you get the point. I got really sweaty, changed for work, walked to work and then....worked. That reminds me I have to tell my boss that I am going to Homecoming because then he will know not to schedule me on that day...

sorry I have to go because the bell is going to ring and I want to go try and talk to you know who....

Isn't it amazing when you actually have those moments that you know will never happen again or will not happen until years later. Right now I am licking a swirly lollipop, listening to U2, and it's storming raindrops on my window. Even though the moment isn't perfect, it makes the day unique and different than any other day.

I cleaned out my junk drawer today and found things that I haven't seen in a while. Now I am going to make that drawer my picture drawer. I really want to take a lot of pictures of my friends and stuff. I also need to buy picture frames for all these pictures I have. I also went to Moby's site tonight. His diary is really cool.Today he talked about swimming naked in a pool on top of a roof. He said he could see the whole skyline. That's really cool. It almosts wants me to go swim naked right now. :)

I love yellow cotton underwear...
Liz, I just have to say...I love you to death! I loved your last entry in your open diary where you typed in big letters. I bet it felt good to get all that anger out. Boys, boys, boys. That's all that we've been talking about. I think we need a better topic. Also, I was just thinking about this and for some reason I always feel this way and I don't know why. I always feel like I am in competition with my closest friends. Especially you, Liz. For some reason my mind always thinks that I have to be better than everyone else. I know I'm not or will ever be. In fact I'm a real person just like the people I see everyday with flaws. I'm not pretty. In fact I like not being pretty. I don't want to be a model. I do know that I want to have their skinny body, but I also know I can't have their body. Forgive me Liz, but I've always felt like I want to be this skeleton like body. Umm... I don't know why I typed that.

First kisses are the best. They're like hearing a great song for the first time on the radio...

Well, it turns out that I didn't get my shit together Sunday. That's why today I am going to start my days of getting my shit together today. I think everyone knows now about the tragic events that happened yesterday in New York City, Washington D.C, and Pittsburg. I pray to those who lost loved ones and to the ones whose lifes are forever changed. I was very surprised as was everyone in the world as to what happened. If I didn't have such a fear of getting my blood taken, I might have donated some blood. I know that is not an excuse since people are dying, but I am very afraid of stuff like that. I hope New York gets rebuilt together again so then New Yorkers can start off a new beginning.

I really wish this cold would go away....but anyway, I am really sleepy. I think when I get home I am going to take a nap. I know I have homework to do, but right now I need sleep. When I am going to wake up I am going to start off the first step to getting my shit together by cleaning out my school bag and organizing my desk at home. I have nothing more important to say so, I will say as the presidents always say when they finish a speech, "Goodnight and God bless."

Today was well spent.
Liz and I went cruising around because we both felt like getting away from home. She just got her license and we needed to celebrate by driving around and feeling free. It was a lot of fun just the two of us going places. We went first to her church's rummage sale and picked up a few books. Then we grabbed a bite to eat and then just went around to different places. I hope we do it again sometime.

When I got home I cleaned my bathroom and dusted the basement. After that I felt really tired so I decided to take a short nap. When I woke up, my parents and I went to Sam's Club and then came home for supper. When supper was finished, we watched the movie Cyotote Ugly and now I am here typing to you. I had a really nice day and I hope whoever is reading this had a great day too.

Tomorrow I am going to get my shit together. I've been wanting to do that for a while. Goodnight all!

Well, it turns out that I might be doing something in the play. I might do lights, but it is very hard to do it because there is so many people up there already. I just want to do something in the play. Also, I am starting to develop crushes on certain people. Teenager that I am, but still I shouldn't date anyone right now and just focus on homework, friends, and family. But I've been having this unforgivable urge to kiss someone. I miss that feeling of getting close to someone. Oh well, maybe it's good for me to not kiss anyone. They might get my cold or something. I've been really sick lately and I don't know why. Sometimes I feel like I am going to throw up and at other times I just want to sleep endlessly. Sorry, for that little discusting imformation there. I told this to Liz (Who by the way got her license the other day. Congrats Liz!) That I keep on thinking about prom. Am I going to go? Who will I go with? Will I ever go? I just don't want to go with anyone. I want to go with some one that I know I am going to have a fun time with and a person that I know I will have good memories with. What is wrong with me? Why am I becoming some sort of mushy, gushy, teenager that preys on boys. I don't want to play any games or go out with anyone. It's pointless. I need someone to come looking for me. I need to just run into someone like as if it was meant to be. Something magical.

Go here...Pen Addictions. Very cute and adnormal life style that would be interesting to have. Notebooks and pens all over the place full of scattered information. I have grown to love typing these days. I can not stop typing out my neverending thoughts jumbled inside my head. I think my love for writing has come back only that I am not writing, I am typing. Today is going by so quickly. Sooner or later I will be home typing here again. Sorry, I forgot to tell you that I am at school right now in computer class. It is very hard to have privacy here when these computer screens are so big. I decided that I am not going to try out for the play. Yes, I have given up trying to become something I am not. Instead I will go to the plays instead of being in them. This year I have decided to go to all the events happening at this school. I will try to go to as many as I can.

I lost a very good piece of writing that I just wrote and now it has dissappeared out nowhere. It can't come back. Damnit. What? You don't care? Well, I bet if you lost something you would be pretty mad too. Time for sleep. Sleep is good. Very good. I'm just really mad that I lost that huge story I typed up. I really liked it and now it's gone. I know I should not get mad and I should just forget about it, but why? I will remember that story about the Drive-in sky. Okay, maybe it wasn't that good, but it was a piece of writing that I had to think very hard at. I really like typing now. I think I have become a typing/writing psyco.

Your eyes can't keep still it just thinks and does what it's suppose to do. It jumps and breathes on it's own. It's alive inside you spitting out rose petals. So, much in so little time. So many things. I know this doesn't mean anything to you. Have you ever felt like everything is exploding and everything is crazy inside that you just don't care. All you know is that beauty is coming out so fast you can't control it. I know this doesn't make any sense to you. but maybe it does. If you felt like I do now you would understand. Maybe you'll lie. That's nice of you. I don't want it to go away. I don't want to be tired and bored. I don't want to be a teenager. Being a teenager almost feels like an old woman. I think I know everything, but really I'm just a baby. I don't look like what I feel inside. Inside I'm this girl... Words can't describe who I think I am. I can't see who you really think you are. I wish I could see the real you though. Why do I want to fall in love? Why can't I just be alone, by myself? Could I survive? Maybe. Alone. So alone. Why does the world say that being alone is the worst thing in the world? Why can't the feeling of alone be blissfully happy? the love could be cold and dark and bitter. Words are just fragments of puzzles of meanings. We haven't discovered all the rest of our nothingness. All the rest of those things that have no names. All the rest of the world that hasn't been there yet. Those things don't exist yet because they are not a word. I feel tired. My mind is too over used right now that it doesn't want to think anymore. Sleep is good.

It's like everything makes sense. I need to try. I need to not be under the covers in my own zone. I need to go past all that boring routine of being shy and quiet. I am going to get up and dance and who cares if someone is watching. My arms swimming in the air flaying. Doves escaping into the blue. My voice finally singing. Dancing by myself with no one around to judge me or stare. No one to be by my side. No desire to love someone. No wanting and waiting for the right angel sent from heaven to be my destiny. No groom. Now and forever real. Reality is really beautiful if you become alive by yourself. You have to stop and think about what the hell you are doing right now. What could you be doing right now. Words can't say anything. People can't do anything. They are clones just like you waiting for some release. They don't want to be used. How come everyday I feel used and unwanted? How come everyday I pass by people I want to be? How come I stare at them and desire to be them? Why does everything have to have an answer? Why can't life just be some kind of pain. Why doesn't everyone want life to be hard? Why do we have to overcome some kind of invisible age and why do we cry? Why don't we cry as much as we smile? Why do we hide our emotions? We think we have the answers. I know I don't. I don't know why I feel smart or stupid at times. I know people think I'm not worth it. I know I like to be me. I'd like to cry in front of someone who doesn't understand and will yell at me. I know I want to be angry at some one when they didn't even do anything wrong. I know I'm wrong. I'm not trying to pity myself. I'm just trying to type. I know I won't be the world's greatest thing. I can believe I could be but I'm not just one thing. I'm everything. I'm apart of you. These words don't mean anything. They are just here like you are here reading them. You don't need to. I don't even need to type. I'm not trying to prove everything. You're not as smart as you think you are and I know I'm not what I think I am. I know you think of me different than someone else. You have your own opinion. So do I. You can judge me all you want, but you will never really matter to me or will I matter to you. We're just here. If writing makes me someone then I am free. I don't need a man. I don't need someone to kiss goodnight or love. Love is writing when the words don't ever make sense, they only come from the heart. They are fragments and pieces of something apart of me. I'm not trying to be anyone. I have flaws. I love to joke like life doesn't matter or I'm going to die tomorrow. I might be crazy. You may think I'm not. I'm just a girl, right?

Ugly green eyed monster attack...
I want to try out for my school play, but I am really nervous. I keep on having the feeling you get like you should just not ever bother with doing something, but then again there is always a possiblity that something really cool with happen. My last chance to try out is tomorrow. But the only problem is I have to work. I should have tried out today, but I walked by instead thinking in my head,"I would never make it anyway." Then all these things have been going through my mind like, what if I made it? It would be the most greatest thing in the world for me. But I've never acted before. I'm not experienced. But what's wrong with trying? I almost want to shout out and show all my emotions and make some noise. Maybe show them my crazy side within. But it's too afraid to show it's scary self. Oh well. I'm still nobody. Why am I so blue and confused?

I've tried to get involved in school since I decided to quit basketball and all it's hardships. I feel very poetic today or just trying to act like an actress. I need to live extreme and crazy. I need to shout out and be somebody. I want to get involved, but I'm not getting off my ass and doing anything. I feel this strange sort of pessimistic attitude today like I'm going to die tomorrow and never come back. It's like my pulse is finally jolting out of my body. I don't know where this energy came from it's just gushing out of me like my whole body is going to rain. Maybe I can even create my own thunderstorm. It's this twister of goodness like a beautiful new beginning. I don't know why I'm typing this because I know everyone thinks I'm just a normal, odd girl going crazy or in love with herself. It's like I'm nobody and nobody seems to understand who I am. I am not just a teenager who loves to write and be this. I'm not the outside. When you look at me, you think you're better than me or you convince yourself that you are better than me. Well, I don't care what you think. I'm just going to go on typing because that's what I want to do now until I die. Fuck you.

P.S. sorry about the virgin suicides link. It doesn't go the the correct site

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LIZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's my best friend's birthday today! She's going to get her license and I hope she passes the test. We're going to stay over at a hotel tonight for her birhday. Very exciting! We're going to go swimming in the pool. I've seen pictures of me in a bathing suit and I don't like them very much. I never knew I looked so bad, but oh well. I'm not the only person in the world that doesn't look good in a bathing suit. Still very excited. I have to wrap her present and make it beautiful. I really hope she likes it because it was very hard to get. Still very excited!!!

I feel very sneezy today and very cranky. I keep on yelling at people. I yelled at my mom this morning. Not really good, but I had to get all that yucky thoughts out of my head. I should go tell her I'm sorry. Maybe I have bad PMS today. I dont' really know. Anyway, I have to do stuff today so I better stop typing on this thing.

IM BACK!!!!!! Yea!! Well, actually I went on the internet yesterday in computer class, but that doesn't count. Plus I was on 6th hour in my school's library. But I haven't been online at home for more than a month! That's crazy! The rest of the summer I didn't really do much. I was a couch potato MTV slob. I needed a mental makeover. For some reason school was my medicine. It woke me up and got me working again. I have been doing my homework also which is a miracle (Pat myself on the back). I'm really sick of MTV too. I haven't been really reading at all. I have all these books I want to read, but I can't seem to read them. Right now I am in the middle of reading The Virgin Suicides. It's going really slow though and I need to finish it. I have no homework this weekend if anyone cares (probably not). I have to dust my bedroom because it is turning into a dust bunny paradise. Tomorrow I am going to my best friend's birthday party. I can't wait. I am so excited!! I hope she likes her birthday present. I got her a...I don't I'm going to say because Liz might be reading this and I don't want to make it easy for her. Sorry Liz.

Time to plan the weekend...Tonight: Pick up Liz's B-Day gift. Return Gap pants. Sat: Dust room and basement. Liz's party. Sunday: Party in the morning. Write Gram. Go to a movie or do something with Lindsey (Sister) and Ali (Sis's hubby).

Anyway, I need to say something not boring or that will make whoever is reading this fall asleep. Okay, here's a quote I got in an e-mail: "You can't build a reputation on what you are GOING to do."-Henry Ford. Very inspirational. We always no we're going to do this to be a better person. Then we think we are a better person already just by thinking that we are going to be a better person. We always keep putting things off saying, "Okay one day I am going to go write a book." Your life passes by and by and you end up dying not even starting the first sentence of your best-selling novel. I know I do that. I need to start writing, but for some reason it seems like a chore because I can't just force myself to write something. I have to have emotion or some kind of inspiration. I know I'm a slacker. But someday I will not be a slacker. Okay...I mean I am not going to be a slacker anymore. Yeah, right.

I am leaving the internet lifestyle for a while and I am going to really think about things. I need a month to think, breathe, learn about myself. I advise anyone who is reading this to do the same. Go outside. The fresh air is waiting for you. I am not really proud of myself the past few days. I have been lazy, selfish, and uninteresting. I realized I need a life. A life I can really be proud of. The interenet I found out is something I don't really need in my life. I sure love writing in this journal though. It helps me a lot. I will miss typing in this thing for a while. I am going to go back to the old writing it all down on paper. I am thinking in the back of my mind right now that I don't think I can survive without the internet for a month. I've done it for a week. It will be hard. Especially a month. Maybe I will fail. Maybe I'll be on tomorrow. Maybe I will succeed. I realized that the internet is just a bothersome. Something holding back the things I really need. The internet is easy. It doesn't have any purpose except for information, communication, and expanding. Right now I don't need any information. I am getting bad communication from people I know on the internet. The internet has caused me to spend money. The internet has caused me to feel bored. The internet has lead me no where except to feel sorry for myself. The internet is not needed. Just for information really. It will be really hard for me to stay off of this thing for a month. I know I can do it though. I will miss out on Catherine's thoughts and new adventures. I will hopefully grow and learn something. I need to be me. Healthy and happy. I promise that if I fail I will type something in this thing to show that I have failed. But from now on, I won't be back until August 27th. Oh boy that's a long while. Wish me luck. God bless and good night.

I had a wonderful day yesterday and a wonderful morning today. I'm happy again.

Apple-Porn!!
hehe....
That's just a little joke I have with my friends.

Who am I?
Name: Angela Joy ______
Nicknames: Angie, Ang, Arizona Jean Company, Foot Dr., Tipsey
Birthdate: December 18, 1984
Job: American Pie (Pizza)
Likes: My friends, family, writing, reading, music, art, colors, internet, basketball, softball, food, hot baths, mornings, making someone laugh, pigtails, plaid, going to kid movies, keeping my face clean, kisses, guys with funky color hair, red heads, looking at the stars with my dad, my kitty, blowing bubbles, dancing by myself, talking with my my best friend, the rain, and being happy.
Dislikes: Mean people, smokers, "pretty" guys, pea soup, going to the doctor, and other stuff

It's weird to not flirt. I don't consider myself a big flirt. I mean, okay, I do laugh at some jokes that I don't think are not funny. Basically I don't think I have been true to myself. I haven't been pure enough. I haven't been honest enough with people. I've been fake. Makes me think of my mom. My sisters and I always make fun of how fake she is with everyone. But how do you not laugh at someone's joke?

by the way, if anyone feels as lonely as I do....please e-mail me at ThinkfulAng@aol.com

I feel so alone on a Saturday Night. I have no one here right now. Nobody is home. I can't call anyone. No one. I keep thinking about Nathen again and how if I was still with him...I wouldn't be like this. I hate this feeling. I am stuck. I really want to call Liz but I can't. I called my "boyfriend" that hasn't talked to me in a week and no one was there. I called my very good friend Ryan and he wasn't home. I am so....ahhhhh!!!!! I think I might go crazy tonight. I want my parents to come back. Is this what it feels like to be alone in the world?

Yea!!!!! My parents are home!!!! bye bye

Twisting my hair and thinking...
Woke up early today. Felt good. I deposited money in the bank and got a haircut. Came back home and watched The Cell. Made me kind of out of it. I feel like sleeping. Oh yeah...I forgot to tell you that I had my last day of summer school the other day. Well, yesterday. I don't sound very excited right now because I am tired, but really I am glad it's over. I am kind of sad that it's over, too. I had a lot of nice interesting people in my class. But it's over!!! Well, looks like I am going to take a nap.

Oh yeah, that reminds me I had a really weird dream last night. It was about I got a part in the play at my friend's school and Nathen was in my dream with this other girl. It was really messed up...(yawn) that's it, hitting the pillow.

Listening to Radionhead...thinking about red...red apples for some reason. Thinking about painting my toes a funky color. I miss talking to Liz. It's funny that I'm going out with someone and he won't even call me. I haven't talked to him for a week. That's it, I'm staying single from now on. Bullshit.

I actually woke up early today and I like it. I think I am going to wake up early more often. Anyway, I started actually reading a book, it's called A Separate Peace by John Knowles. I only read the first chapter, but it seems really good so far.Today I am going to a festival with Eddie and we're also going to see a movie. I am really happy because I haven't done anything interesting all summer. I'm finally getting off my ass and doing something!!!! But anyway...okay I need to stop saying "anyway" except it is going to be really hard. I am also glad that I started reading a book. I wanted to do some summer reading and yet I didn't start reading until now when summer is half way through. Oh well, at least I started. More later.

Wasting away again in Margaritaville...

Sorry, just really out of it today. I haven't done anything yet today. I think I should probably take a shower and do something with myself today before it is over. I don't want Sunday to come. That means the next day I have to go to school and work heavily. I want to keep my great A+ in American History because I don't think I have ever gotten an A+ in a class before. Well, okay, maybe I have. Anyway, growing, learning, tired, yawning, thinking, and dreamy. Time to get off my ass and do something before I start going crazy. Too late I think.

I really like the names Trinity and Maggie for girls....

anyway I am up late again. Who cares....my parents. I just feel like typing some random thoughts. I really want to be clean. Really clean. I'm a girl. I am really confused on who I am. My style is boring. I'm a plain Jane, and a TV junkie. I like ice cream. Ben and Jerry's. I like the color red exept I don't look good wearing it. My three basic music types I like: Classic rock, pop, and alternative music. I love the Beatles. I like old things. I like the three stooges. I like red hair. I like guys that color their hair funky colors like blue or green. I really like the way punks dress. I really like poetry even though I don't write or read it everyday. I like the feeling of dancing when no one is around. I like band geeks. I like girls that sing and play the guitar. I like the sound of my sister playing the piano. I like it when my parents act like kids. I like art. When I was little I wanted to be an artist. I like typing random thoughts in this journal and in my written journal. I don't like talking to psycologists. I haven't talked to one before and I never will. Maybe I need one. I like my cat. I like her plain name. I miss my old dog. I miss his cute eyes and sleeping with him curled next to me at night. I hate smoking. I have smoked. Gave me a sore throat. I like my mom when she's happy. I love my dad when he looks at the stars at night. I love myself. I'm just mad at myself sometimes.

Please rain.
by Me

I want it to rain.
I really miss the smell of it all.
The clean.
I want it to be new again.
I really miss the freedom.
The flying.
I want it to shine.
I really miss the little things.
The joy.
I want it to drive me crazy.
I miss the excitement.
The ride.
I want it to slow down.
I miss the quiet.
The silence.
I want it to sleep.
I miss the reality.
The dreams.
I want me to be somebody.
I miss the real me.
The girl.

I broke his heart he says, but he doesn't no he also broke mine....

Anyway, just felt like saying that. Talking to the wonderful Eddie late at night again. I really enjoy talking to him. He is really funny and we get into interesting topics. I hope Liz made it safe and sound in Oregon. Her plane better not have crashed other wise...I'll have to die too. Sounds like fun. Anyway, work was fine. I'm really kinda tired. I want to do a lot tomorrow, but I don't know where to start. My parents are going to be gone. Yes! Sorry, I mean, yeah...I'm really going to miss them. I mean it will be good to get away from them for a little bit. I deal enough with a bunch of their crap. But anyway,...I don't know if I like him or it is just those weird feelings again. I don't know if I'm in love with him or him or him or him. There are so many and yet they are all different. I don't think any of them are really truelly in my dreams. I don't know. People are probably thinking what the hell I'm talking about. I'm just confused. Anyway, life is peachy. It really is....boy I want to say something, but I don't know what I want to say. Does that make sense. I'm just fine. boring. tired. and yeah.....that's about it.....

feeling so free...

I just read Catherine's blog entry and she said she does yoga. I think that is really cool. I've always wanted to do stuff like that, but never really had the motivation to do it. I'm not really flexible either, but she said it was really relaxing which is maybe something I need. Maybe it will just put more stress on me.

Liz is leaving tomorrow for Oregon. I don't know what I am going to do without her here. I won't really have anyone to hang out with. I really have had a great summer with her so far. We have talked a lot about so many things. I really feel comfortable when I talk to her. I feel like I have nothing to hide. She really is such a wonderful person. I guess I will have to find things to do on my own. I really need to start reading books and acomplish my summer goals. I think I forgot most of them. Bad sign.

Anyway, I have been working a lot. I also have been getting a lack of sleep because I have been going to bed late everynight. It's not really good, but I guess I like staying up late. I also have been wanting to go on a diet for some time, but I am procrastinating again and just lazy. I really have been wasting my summer away. I need to do something before school starts other wise I will be very disappointed. I want to exercise, diet, read and go to 6 Flags, but I don't think that's going to happen. Anyway, sorry for the boring entry. Maybe something interesting will happen tomorrow, maybe not. Just wait and see.

I changed the title of my blog because I just love that feeling of being in the rain without an umbrella. Just walking in the rain. Dancing, singing or whatever when the sky is breaking. It's that blissful feeling you only get by chance. You can't create it. The sky provides it for you. I no I'm not the only person on this earth that loves the rain. It's clean, fresh and afterwards...the sun comes out and everything is peaceful. It's like how I feel right now. My life is raining, sad, and I can't control it. Then the sun comes out and everything is fine. I'm sorry I'm getting all serious and dreamy. but who cares?

I have a lot to do today so I am not going to say much. Yesterday I went to the movies with Liz, Eddie, and Tim. We saw Kiss of the Dragon. It was an okay movie. Some parts were really different and had a style to them. I mean the moves that guy in the movie made. Anyway, I have good news. I am getting a 101% in American History as of right now. I am so blissfully happy because I know I have been working hard and plus there are a lot of smart people in my class that usually get like 4.0s. I was the one of 3 A+s! I am sorry it's just really weird.

Anyway, I am really having an interestly boring but exciting week. I can't describe it. It's like a dry, happy, but beautifully spent week. I know I'm confusing you, I'm confusing myself.I just have to clean my bathroom, which I have been putting off many times. Again, I have been thinking about this new life for me thing. I want change myself around, but I don't think I can do it. I got really depressed walking home today because I saw Jackie playing basketball. I miss it so much. I like playing, I just wish I was better at it. I just want to be clean. I feel clean, but not clean enough. Being clean for me is being optimistic, realistic, genuine, smart, understanding, and morally perfect I guess. Not morally perfect, just better morals I guess. I like being happy with myself, but at times it's hard. This blog is kind of my pyscologist. It has really kind of helped me a tiny bit. But anyway, life is delicious right now.

for some reason I just feel so beautiful now and yet so ugly. I've been having these issues about my body. Good issues and bad issues. It's actually quite confusing.I want to go on a diet. Healthy diet. Exercise. Lose a couple pounds. Okay. I know what you people are thinking. don't push is. This is what I want to do. There is this certain look I want and I know I am going to get it. I am going to try and push myself not to eat junk food. I don't know when to start because really right now I am so hungry for American Pie pizza it isn't funny.

I love my hands...they always express how I feel. When they have scars... I'm torn. When I take care of them...I'm happy.

I feel kind of weird. I'm half awake. Dazed. I'm happy, but sad. I feel good though like life is just so beautiful and that what am I going to do about it. I read some of a girls blog and she said that we should really find the things we want to change. We should look at our lives and find the things we don't like and change them as soon as we can. I really want to change. I have though a lot lately about becoming a Junior. I can't pictue it. I think I should keep telling myself...I'm a junior...I'm a junior. Anyway, I really want to change all the things I hate about myself. I know then once I change those things...new hardships will pop up. I guess I'm just crazy.

Anyway...I hit my head today. It hurts. But for some reason I don't want to talk about it. I'm just really tired and want to go to bed and sleep! But I feel like typing anyway.

I really want to change my whole life around. I know next year will be different. I want to get good grades, join new clubs, get involved with my friends more, dress better, act better, develop a better personality and just feel better. Last year seem like the worst. Nathen broke up with me, my grades slipped, I was getting involved with the wrong guys, my best friend went to a different school, and I just really depressed and sad a lot. I tried to talk to a counselor and that didn't work. I was just in a big hole.I don't want that to happen again. Anyway, I'll be right back.

Some other stuff that has been going on in my head is about my future. I am not prepared to go out on my own yet. I want to learn how to take care of a house. Do household mommy stuff like laundry, cooking, (I already know how to clean) mow the lawn, paint, car stuff, and maybe even bookwork. Now that I've been 16 for a while and in about 2 years, I might be moving out of the house and be on my own in the cold, cruel, real world. It's a scary thought.
I was also thinking today about TV and how it has been rotting my brain and my time. I can do so much if I just don't turn the tube on. Most teenagers watch more TV than they do homework. I think I should switch that around and do more of my homework and less of the "idiot box." But who knows if that will happen. Right now, the TV is a big habit for me. I could read or exercise instead of watching the TV. I think I watch TV to avoid the important things I have wanted to do all of my life. I think I might be getting lazier.

Another thing on my mind is meditating. My dads says he reckomends meditating even though I don't think he does it very much himself. I think it is a really great idea. I mean I've tried it before and it really calms you down. It helps you focus on the important things in life. Which I think I should be doing instead of wondering what's happening on the TV.

I've been thinking too much. Time to relax.

I have so much to say because my head is swimming in so much thoughts. I want to get them all out in the open and I guess try and remember them later. I have been thinking about my life and how it's been, you know...life. I was thinking about what my style is. I don't really have a style. I like certain things. I don't think I am labeled as anything. I love preppy, jock, punk, and hippie clothes. Then again I never use be really into clothes. I wear normal boring stuff like tee shirts, sweatshirts, jeans, and gym-type shoes. I like normal clothes and then I hate them because they are so boring and they don't tell anything about me. I think before school starts I am going to go on a shopping expedition where I am going to find clothes that are comfortable, my style and no one elses. So far I want to wear more rings, get a striped belt (found one at American Eagle that I liked), hoodies, comfortable stylish jeans, beaded necklaces, make hemp necklaces and bracelets, and these socks I saw in a magazine. I like solid colors...heck I like all of the colors of the rainbow.
Next, I need to figure out how I want my room to look. I saw in my mag a nice clock. I got new posters: Marilyn Monroe, and the Beatles. I also want to get that Starry Night art by Van Gough. I also saw an Albert Einstein poster that I might get. I want to paint my walls some color. I like the colors yellow and blue. But I still have to figure that out too. I also want to get a new comforter, but I don't know what. I saw something hippish in a magazine once, but I have no idea where I would find it. I also think paper lanterns would be really cool to put in my room, I just don't how. Ugh. I want so much. This is going to be a lot of money. Time to save up!!! Speaking of saving money, I still want to buy some cds. I am cd crazed now like my dad!! I just have to keep on thinking that I don't need anymore cds. I have enough already. I have been thinking about getting classic rock cds like The Doors, more of the Beatles, Led Lepplin, and maybe Janis Joplin. I just love oldies music.

Okay, that's all the crazy, style, new me stuff that was in my head.

You can never be mad while blowing bubbles...

I met someone. It's so wonderful. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Excited because he's really a great guy. Scared because I am afraid to get into a relationship again. I guess I'm afraid to get hurt. It was really spontanious that this happened.

It was at my best friend's friend's birthday party. Okay that was a little confusing. Anyway, he came a little bit later with Eddie. His name is Timmy Connley. He was just dancing all over the place and really trying to get everyone to have a good time. We made eye contact a couple of times. Nothing happened. Then the group went outside, ate, listened to music, and talked. He was dancing to the music and trying to have a good time. I liked the type of music he played. Everyone didn't seem to know what they were listening to. But again we made eye contact a couple of times. Then we went by the swings and I don't know why...I just liked him. Later on when it was getting dark outside, we talked a lot and I liked him even more. It was crazy!! Then like he said online yesterday...the rest was all magical.

I'm just so scared because I don't know if I want to get into a relationship again. I guess I'm really scared and before I said I was sick of the whole high school dating thing. I was, but now it just feels so great to have someone that makes me feel great all over. My heart hurt so much because it felt so good. I know I'm crazy and I told myself I would never date anyone. I told Liz I wouldn't date anyone until after high school. It doesn't look like that's going to happen. I am such a hipacrit (spelling?). Anyway, enough of this lovey dovey mushy gushy stuff...

By the way, If anyone I don't know is reading this, please email me: ThinkfulAng@aol.com Thanks a bunch!

Listening to the radio and listening to the Top 40. I had such a bad day yesterday. And you know why I had a bad day? Because I was lazy!!! I was late to work, nobody would talk to me at work, felt lonely, nobody to hang out with on a Saturday Night, went driving and nearly got in an accident, didn't get my dad a birthday present, didn't clean bathroom, didn't do homework, and got yelled at by parents. And there was a billion little things like I dropped my new Eve 6 cd and it cracked. I guess the only plus of my day is that I got 2 new cds: No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom and Eve 6's Horrorscope. They're both great cds that I have wanted. Oh yeah and I also took a nice hot bath yesterday and shaved my legs. Okay maybe I have told you too much. Anyway, I know I made my bad day happen and I complained to people about it. I just fell apart for a while. You just have those bad days.

Anyway, today is my dad's birthday and my family and I are going over to my sister's house. I can't wait to see Alannah. She is so beautiful. That reminds me, I have been feeling really bad about my body lately. I am kind of going on a diet kind of not. I know what I really need to do is exercise. I need exercise!!!! But I can't get off my fat butt and do it. Again, I am having a really lazy summer. I guess it's good to be lazy now instead of during school. I have also been wanting to change my room for a while. I want to pain the walls, put up new posters, pull down some shelves, get a new boombox, and just keep everything organized. I guess I will have to start talking with my dad about it. I have nothing else to say. I know everyone has been saying this, but....you are the weakest link! Goodbye!

I miss basketball. I had a dream about it last night that I went to basketball and some were glad that I came back, but others just wouldn't talk to me. Jackie didn't talk to me. It was a really weird dream like everyone had a look on their face like I betrayed them. I just miss the fun of playing it. I miss the fun.

Welcome Alannah Martha to the world! She was born Wednesday, June 20th at 11:20 p.m. She has reddish blonde hair and is absolutely beautiful! Her parents are my sister Allison and her husband Howard Silverstein. I'm an auntie again! It's so wonderful so see a newborn. They're so clean, they smell good, they're cute, and can't help but love them. I hope everything goes well in her new life.

Lately I have been trying to lose weight again, but it's very hard to stay away from the junk food. Plus I work at a pizza place which doesn't help matters. I know the best thing I need is exercise and I'm not getting it. I am so out of shape. I've been really lazy lately too.

Yesterday was downer day for me. I went to work and didn't speak to anyone hardly. I felt down because I was just thinking how my summer is going. Going nowhere. All I do is watch T.V., go on the internet, go to summer school, and work. I need to spice things up. I just need a little bit more excitement in my life. No, a LOT more excitement in my life.

Something just popped into my head. I need to save my money!!!!!!!

I haven't been online in a while which is good considering I use to be on it all the time. Anyway, summer school started and I'm doing pretty okay. I don't really study for my tests which is the same as during the regular school year. I'm going to try tonight and study my hardest. Also I have caught my dad's infectious disease of buying cds. Yesterday I bought a cd by Radiohead's Amnesiac. It's a good relaxing cd. It makes me want to fall asleep which I don't know if that's a good thing.

Anyway, I was just thinking about how I always think boys should change and grow up. Well, I think they probably think the same thing about us. Maybe not the exact same thing, but what I mean is they want us to stop acting like stupid little high school girls. I am so sick of high school dating. I mean I wouldn't mind having an understanding, respectful, fun loving guy it's just that the whole process of dating is driving me crazy! I'm not saying dating isn't fun, it's just seems like it keeps repeating. I want a guy for once who will surprised me. I had a strange dream the other night about that this high school boy hated my guts and wanted me dead. So all of sudden I was letting out all of my anger on him and beating him up and then all of a sudden...out of the blue...he kissed me! Then I found myself just laying on my bed. I hate when you have dreams like that. You wish something like that could happen in real life because it's everything you wish for.

Anyway, last weekend was so awesome because I slept over at my best friend Liz's house. It's funny how you have those moments that you wish could last forever. We talked, talked, and talked. I never spilled so much out of myself before. I just felt like telling my life story. I loved to listen to people talk about their lives and how much they want out of it. I learn so much about myself from other people and hopefully they learn a lot about themselves from me. I think we both needed some intellectual, sexual, confusing thoughts to come out in the open. At like 4 in the morning we ate Ben and Jerry's ice cream which is soooooo gooood!! I think I probably ate too much of it and was sort of being a pig. But I loved just being there. It feels like we're sisters.

Speaking of sisters, I don't know if you knew my one sister Allison is pregnant, but today my other sister Lindsey found out she's pregnant!!! Everyone is having babies! Except for me of course. Thank god!!!!!

Another thing, I haven't been doing my summer goals which I should be doing, but haven't. I will get to them eventually. I'm such a slow poke.

Relaxing and enjoying the day today. I'm going to go rollarblading with my friend Ryan. So, I will write later.

I'm sorry, my blogger isn't working too great. I have been thinking about improving this website, if it is a website. I don't know what it is. Just something that I type into and waste my time everyday. Anyway, I guess I am being lazy again this summer. I shouldn't be lazy, but what can I do? I am just lazy. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm really....really....tired or bored or clueless. I don't know. Just the opposite of what i want to be right now. Anyway, I'll talk later or I guess i should say type later. bye bye

There's much more to this story. A few months went by, 2 or 3 and we didn't call each other. Then I called him. I was really scared to call him because I didn't know what he would think of me calling him again. I asked for his screename since I just got the internet. Then I e-mailed him. I don't know how, but we started talking again. Until finally it came homecoming. I introduced him to Liz before we started going out again and she liked him and of course I still liked him. But he liked me. There was this whole thing between us three. So eventually I asked him out, Liz got mad. I should of thought of her, but didn't. I was really thinking of myself. Then we went to homecoming. I had one of the best weekends ever that weekend. Nathen and I went to the homecoming game at my school. Afterwards we walked home and went around the block a few times. We got close next to each other. I remember him putting his arm around my back and me putting my arm around his back. We talked and it was just magical. The homecoming dance wasn't that great. We slow danced and the whole great thing about the evening was that when we got to my house, we kissed. I still consider that my real first kiss. After that it was going to his house, watching movies, kissing and more. On Valentine's day, I remember my first french kiss. It was his also. He always got me flowers. Then we gradually moved on up in our relationship. On our one year anniversary, he made me dinner. It was funny because I didn't know what he made. I had a lot of dinners at his house. I loved his house. I liked his parents. A week later...I lost it all. I lost my life. When he broke up with me, he came over to my house and didn't really tell me. I kinda guessed it. I didn't know at first. He just didn't smile when I got close to him. We both cried. I was shaking. When he left, I screamed no, no, and no a bunch of times. I called his house because I wanted to work things out. He said he didn't want to hurt me, but he did....badly. Now I realize I think he was looking for an exuse to break up with me. Well, he found it. He said he went out with a girl a week later, which I don't know if that's true. I think a girl asked him out while we were going out and he liked her. A bunch of stuff happened after that. He asked me out again. and yada yada yada. I'm going to bed.

I have nothing else to do tonight, but type in this thing so I might as well keep on typing. Let's talk about guys. Sorry, if any guy is reading this, please excuse my stereotyping. Maybe I won't ever stereotype anymore. Let's just think about the facts. I have gone out with 5 guys. I am 16 and I have gone out with 5 guys. My first boyfriend happened by me being desperate. This guy...Collin kinda asked me out but told a girl to ask me. This girl and I were playing fuseball and I said or someone said that if I win, I will go out with Collin. I won, and I was really happy of course because this was my first guy. I think he cheated on me, but I'm not sure. It was at summer camp and I was 12 or 13 I think. I shared my first kiss with him. We were down in his basement and we counted to 3 and we kissed. We didn't again. I think he was scared to kiss me also. I always never trusted him either. I always thought he lied. He also had the magazine Fredrick's of Hollywood, Lagherah (sp?)...underwear store. Naughty underwear. He asked me if I would wear one of the crazy outfits. He said he would wear one of the crazy outfits if I would wear one of the "sexy" outfits. It was all crazy. He also kept on telling me he was horny too.

Okay, next boyfriend was Nathen. There is so much to say about Nathen. We met at camp. He thought I was one year older than I really was. So did his friend Joe. I started to like Nathen because we always talked and flirted. One day one of the teachers asked if I was going out with him and I said no. Which kinda hinted something to me that he liked me. So this girl Jessica kept on asking him and he kept on denying it that he liked me. Until finally he said yes and Jessica came up to me and asked me if I would go out with him and I said only if he asks me out in person. And he did. We ended up going to a movie. We didn't really talk. We talked back and forth on the phone and I kinda ended out relationship because we never saw each other and we only talked on the phone. So we stayed friends.

I guess I should explain the feeling I'm feeling right now. I just got totally depressed because my friend said she saw Nathen at Blockbuster. I probably haven't told you about Nathen. He was the guy that I supposedly loved. My heart skips a beat everytime someone mentions him. He's the guy I got over. At least that's what I thought until now. Now I can't stop thinking about him again. I don't know why. I guess because he is the best guy I ever loved. I know many people say things like this so I will just stop right now and forget him right this minute.

On a higher note, I went over to my friend Jackie's house today and we watched movies. I am glad I got out of the house because my parents are in the strangest of moods. Every feel weird around my mom because she's all depressed about my family. I try to comfort her, but it won't help. I don't want to be depressed and so in to myself like she is. I know this seems harsh, but all she thinks about is herself. She does. I have come to realize this. I have also come to realize that I might or all ready am like her. I guess it's good to have a journal because then I can talk about myself here. But I do think about myself a lot. I want to think about other people more. I need to think of what their thinking and try to connect with people. I am so shy to talk to anyone. I am also very much afraid of everything around me. I hate it. I want to break out of my shell and become me. I know everyone would like me, but I think society has taken it away from me. I just want to dance. I just want to spin, spin, and spin until I fly...

I haven't typed in this thing in a while. I've been mostly busy with finals and stuff. Last weekend, a lot happened. I'll just make it short. My dad got drunk and said a lot of things I didn't like. My sister and my mom are in a big fight. I'm trying to lose weight. That basically highlights the weekend. Doesn't that sound like a great weekend? Yeah, right.

It's amazing how people grow and learn and change. I guess I have. I know other people have. I want to change some more. I love the feeling of change. Everything I do is new when I change. Plus the added bonus is that people like new. Like that song by No Doubt "New" which about a girl loving a guy that is new of different than other guys she has ever dated. I like that feeling of a new guy. I guess I want to be a new girl also for the next guy that I date. The only problem is that every guy I get with is not my type or I'm too scared. Plus I say yes too much. I also hate the words "I love you." I know that might sound cruel, but it's true....I don't like those three words. I've heard this before from other people. "I love you" is too over used all the time. Now that I think about it, every guy that I have been with has said I love you. It makes me sick because they try and impress me by saying those words. They think that they're so wonderful to say those words or something for the first time. Well, surprise!!! I have heard those words too much before and I have not always said I love you back.

I really should be doing my work right now, but I'm tired and bored and lazy and busy and a million other excuses. I just like typing in this thing all day long. I really express my thoughts and stuff. It's crazy! Or maybe just I'm crazy. This is the last day of school. Well, except for 3 days of finals. Anyway, the bell rang, so I have to go.

It's amazing how people grow and learn and change. I guess I have. I know other people have. I want to change some more. I love the feeling of change. Everything I do is new when I change. Plus the added bonus is that people like new. Like that song by No Doubt "New" which about a girl loving a guy that is new of different than other guys she has ever dated. I like that feeling of a new guy. I guess I want to be a new girl also for the next guy that I date. The only problem is that every guy I get with is not my type or I'm too scared. Plus I say yes too much. I also hate the words "I love you." I know that might sound cruel, but it's true....I don't like those three words. I've heard this before from other people. "I love you" is too over used all the time. Now that I think about it, every guy that I have been with has said I love you. It makes me sick because they try and impress me by saying those words. They think that they're so wonderful to say those words or something for the first time. Well, surprise!!! I have heard those words too much before and I have not always said I love you back.

I really should be doing my work right now, but I'm tired and bored and lazy and busy and a million other excuses. I just like typing in this thing all day long. I really express my thoughts and stuff. It's crazy! Or maybe just I'm crazy. This is the last day of school. Well, except for 3 days of finals. Anyway, the bell rang, so I have to go.

It's amazing how people grow and learn and change. I guess I have. I know other people have. I want to change some more. I love the feeling of change. Everything I do is new when I change. Plus the added bonus is that people like new. Like that song by No Doubt "New" which about a girl loving a guy that is new of different than other guys she has ever dated. I like that feeling of a new guy. I guess I want to be a new girl also for the next guy that I date. The only problem is that every guy I get with is not my type or I'm too scared. Plus I say yes too much. I also hate the words "I love you." I know that might sound cruel, but it's true....I don't like those three words. I've heard this before from other people. "I love you" is too over used all the time. Now that I think about it, every guy that I have been with has said I love you. It makes me sick because they try and impress me by saying those words. They think that they're so wonderful to say those words or something for the first time. Well, surprise!!! I have heard those words too much before and I have not always said I love you back.

I really should be doing my work right now, but I'm tired and bored and lazy and busy and a million other excuses. I just like typing in this thing all day long. I really express my thoughts and stuff. It's crazy! Or maybe just I'm crazy. This is the last day of school. Well, except for 3 days of finals. Anyway, the bell rang, so I have to go.

Liz is going to have surgery today. I'm nervous and I really want to see her in the hospital. Liz's mom is going to bring Michelle and I to the hospital to see her. I am also going to try and send her some cookies by design. I know she won't be able to eat them but I am going to send them to her anyway. I can't believe it's today. I guess I can't believe because I haven't seen her very much and haven't heard her talking about it. Her and boyfriend aren't going out anymore. I thought they were a sure thing. I do know that she is attracted to tall guys. I like tall guys, but I can never find the right ones. I guess I have to kind of like tall guys since I'm tall and dating a guy shorter than me is akward. I have dated guys shorter than me in the past, but I don't know.

Anyway, the baby shower was a success. My mom did an awesome job. A lot of people came and it was great and scary at the same time. My boss, Mike, was actually in my house! I'm glad he was there though to bring some comic relief. My sister was surprised and she got a lot of baby stuff. Tons of baby clothes. While almost everyone left, I played with Maddie and Sam because they were bored. They tried to tie me up, but they ended up giving up. I like hanging around them because I feel like a big sister. I've always been the little sister. One strange thing is that they are only like 4 years younger than me and I am their aunt. Well step aunt. But they won't call my "Auntie Angie" or anything. Allison keeps on discussing the name for the baby. She can't make up her mind. Everyone thought it was going to be Hannah. Now she's thinking of Anna. It's all crazy. I think I would just let her and Howard decide.

Anyway, I think this is going to turn out to be a long blog, but oh well, I have time. I am going to try and stop biting the skin off of my thumbs. I know that sounds gross, but my thumbs always seem to be dry. Especially at school when I bite them the most. I am going to try and break the habit. In order to break a habit you have avoid a bad habit or make a good new habit in a month. That means I have to stop for a month. Ugh. Anyway, the bell is going to ring. I blog something later tonight.

I can't wait until summer vacation starts. Then I'll be free. I can't wait until I start feeling free again. I can't wait until I start over again. Clean and new. I am going to change a lot this summer. That's my big plan. Work on me. Get myself together again. I am going to make a website hopefully. It will be small and express who I am. And then when I don't like the style, then I'll change it to feel like me. Simple as that. But it's another thing added onto my life. I want to clean out all the extras weighing down my life. Throw away the dirt. You know. I also have been thinking about learning how to live on my own. I am going to be 18 pretty soon and there are a lot of things I need to learn about before I go out and live on my own. Laundry, cars, mowing the lawn, cooking, fixing stuff, and...gulp...money. That's another goal I should put on my list to do this summer. Anyway, I think I am going to go to bed. Goodnight.

Joyful Girl
-Ani DiFranco

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...

Song in my head: "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever know."
I love that song. I love they way I am. I love the two colors blue and yellow together. I like it when my cat walks across my pillow at night. I like Monday mornings. I like trying to think of the perfect words for imperfect things. I love how I grow and learn something new everyday. I love to watch my friends grow. I like the feeling of a drenched street where everything is all musky and freshly washed clean. I love walking home from school and walkdreaming my way home. I like catching dishonest people. I dred lying. I love the feeling of kissing someone on the cheek. I love...

I tiptoe back and forth making sure no one sees me.
Quietly I tiptoe trough life making sure I don't make a noise.
Softly I pick up the words to say...
"LIFE IS FUNNY HOW EVERYONE TIPTOES SO INNOCENTLY THROUGH LIFE NEVER REALLY PUTTING THEIR WHOLE FOOT DOWN."

Life is so hard for me when I procrastinate. I can't do my homwork! I can but I won't because I can't!!! I'm feeling really......grr!!!!!!!!

Listening to Ani DiFranco. She's my medicine these days. Reading a new book called "Life is Funny" by E.R. Frank. Very good so far. I can't put it down. I think I will read a little more tonight.

Last night I couldn't stop crying from watching the rest of Anne Frank. It was so sad and the tears just kept streaming and streaming. I tried to hold them in, but it didn't take long until my face was soaked. I can't believe what happened. I mean I know that's what happened in concentration camps, but on TV was even more realistic. Anne was talking about taking certain things for granted like the sky and the sounds of the outside world. It really inspired me that night and I felt like I should live life more. But of course when I woke up, the feeling of importance of life melted away into the reality that I have to go to school. Anyway, I should probably do my homework and That 70's Show will be on soon. So, bye bye!

Feel so fresh so clean
That's how I feel today or at least now. Walking home from school today got me refreshed. The air was wet and windy. I like the feeling after it rains. Everything outside seems like it has been washed away. The dirty stuff at least. Anyway, I should probably do my homework so tonight I can watch the rest of Anne Frank on ABC on TV tonight. The story is really sad, but Anne inspires me. She's so free and happy. She's a girl with dreams. I guess like any other girl. She's innocent, and honest. She's also a very positive person. I'm so pesimistic all the time or I guess in tune with reality. Who knows? I'm going to go do my homework. I am way behind in Lord of the Flies and I need to catch up. Maybe I'll type something later tonight.

Last night or this morning was very interesting for me. I can't really say what I did and not that I want to anyway. Lets just say it was a great exilerating experience and leave it at that. It feels weird between me and a certain someone. I don't know if he will read this, but if you're reading this right now (You know who you are) that was a great feeling it's just that I feel guilty about it. Don't feel bad. Anyway, umm...okay. Let's start over.

I went shopping a lot today. I bought two shirts, "Out of Range" by Ani DiFranco cd, and Health magazine. I kind of regret buying all those things, but then again I don't. I like both shirts I got, and I am not sure if I like the cd yet. I regret wasting 2 bucks on the magazine. It's a good magazine, it's just that I didn't need the magazine. I want to buy a rainbow belt, but I don't know where to find one. I also want to buy earrings and get my ear pierced. I think I might be a little shopping crazed right now. Anyway, I better head off to dreamland. My kitty is sleeping. She looks so cute when she sleeps. Goodnight.