I want to be that girl. You know the one. The one that everyone adores? You act like you don't know. Sure. I want to be her...looking in the mirror and realizing my life is the way it should be. But there is not such a person who is satisfied with their surrounded life wanderings. I know I will never be satisfied with who I am. So I want to become someone who is satisfied with themselves. I want to be someone that doesn't exist. Someone that people don't know is out there and then all of sudden they meet them and realize the world is not such a fuck up after all. That girl is in my hear somewhere. She is just buried too deep for me to find and brush off all of me. She's there. I know it. The girl...
she takes piano lessons. Works at a pizza place. Walks to school. Get's straight A's. Knows what college she is going to or wants to go to. Has really interesting friends. Likes being alone. She writes poetry and regularly visits poetry readings. She reads books in her free time and loves her parents. Every Sunday she reads the paper. Every Saturday she watches Saturday Night Live. Every morning she wakes up bright, and new and ready for the day. She's reads poetry. She loves old movies. She has changed the world in her own little way. She is amazing. She is what I want to be and I know she is a part of me somewhere. i want to be her. I long for her. Why can't I be her? Why can't I be skinny? Why can't I be elegant to a guy? Why do I long to be with love? Why can't I handle being alone? Is this really me? I don' t even think I am alive. I don't think deep thoughts. I am completely ordinary. Boring. A wallflower. a repeat. a face. A speck. a forgotten one. a human. I don't want to be human. I want to be me.

I have just finished reading Shopgirl by Steve Martin. Surprisely it had a relaxing ending. The book seemed boring to me as I kept on reading it. I would think to myself, "Why am I wasting my time reading this?" But since I finished reading it, I am glad I read it. I liked the ending very much. But the book I guess puzzled me. I wouldn't recommend this book to anyone unless they like love stories.
My next book I think will either be between three books: Gathering Blue, The Giver, or Tuesdays with Morrie. I guess I am really into books right now. Which is kinda bizzare and kind of not. I think I do have a problem with books though. I rush through them. I should fully understand the book and then maybe I would enjoy it more. When I read To Kill a Mockingbird, I concentrated on every little detail in the book. Maybe that's why I like the book so much. I have a hard time deciding between what books I should read because there are so many out there that I want to fully enjoy and take in like air.
I forgot about this one quote in Shopgirl that I need to remember:
"It's pain that changes our lives."

It's spring break and I am here sitting on the computer again. Well, at least it's a change of location. This spring break I have decided to work on my To Kill a Mockingbird project and clean my room. Also I should probably organize my school papers in my back pack. Anyway, I have to go get a hair cut.

My feet are cold so I'll talk to you later.

Time to Shine

You
at the other end
listened
you listened
to me
while my heart drained
its honesty
you
made it
an amusement
even though
you deny it
I
trusted your innocence
and blinded your ignorance
you never made
me
feel the same
you
and all your ways
will leave
me
behind
and
I
will finally
be brought
into view.

I'm reading a book called Shopgirl by Steve Martin. I just started reading it today even though I checked it out at my school library a few weeks ago. It has been sitting on my dresser along with the other book I checked out called Gathering Blue by Lois Lowry. They have both have been laying on my dresser waiting for me to notice them. I first had to finish the other two books I had been reading. It took me months to finish The Perks of Being a Wallflower because I had to read To Kill a Mockingbird for school. I finally finished both. They were both extremely wonderful. Shopgirl is a different kind of writing I have never read before. It's a about a girl named Mirabelle who is like a mirrorlike image of me or what I want to be. The book is really slow and has a lot of adatives. I forgot how to spell, but anyway...

Here are some sites I visited today:
eastcoastgirl
bestpartsofbeinglonely.com
little rocket
Spill
reinventing seymour

I am having that feeling again about wanting to kill myself. First the thought slipped into my mind while I was walking to work. For some reason I feel miserable and completely shadowed. I am too quiet. I get so nervous at work. I am always afraid I am going to do something wrong, then all of a sudden I do something wrong. I just look at people sometimes and I think, why the hell am I on this earth? Peope don't deserve to know me. People are uncomfortable around me, they don't talk to me, I don't talk to them, I am a total dork, I'm weak, and I am just afraid. I just think, I shouldn't be here. I think, why am I so sad? Why can't I be like other people and open up? I don't think I'll ever know.

Okay, I am back. I forgot to tell you about the play. Well, the play was okay. They didn't have a backround set up except for some chairs. Plus they didn't have enough actors and actresses. Some of them had to play two parts. I thought their acting was very well done though. The Dill that they found was perfect for the part. He was so small and skinny and had very light blonde hair. The one thing I can't believe is that he is thirteen years old! I mean he looked like a 5 year old! Also the Calpurnia was very tall and looked like a model. I thought she was good. Anyway, overall I enjoyed my time at the play. I mean I love the theatre. I was curious about the actors and actresses themselves and what lives they lead.

Anyway, yesterday felt great. I cleaned my room really good except I still have a lot more to do. My bathroom is also very disgusting. I think I am going to have to do that this weekend. Saturday I have a birthday party to go to. I have to find someone to work for me on Saturday otherwise I won't be able to go to the party. Tomorrow I will have to buy Megan a present. I don't know what to get her except something with stars and moons. She's also a very clean, perfectionist. I know not to get her a gift certificate to Best Buy. Everyone gives those away.

Well, about my new life. I feel so much better this morning like I actually acomplished something yesterday instead of sitting my ass on the couch all afternoon feeling sorry for myself. I did watch TV last night though. I mean I have to watch That 70's Show. Today, when I get home I am going to clean my room a little bit more, eat a snack, and then go to work. Then when I get home from work I should do my homework. I probably won't have very much. Hopefully. Anyway, I have lost myself on what else to type. I feel clean!

I feel a lot better these days besides the sore throat. Anyway, I did my homework at home for once. Now let's see if I can do my homework today at my house. I feel a lot better when I do my homework at home. Except the only problem is that I want to get done with my homework as soon as possible. So, that means I kind of rush through it. I was thinking this morning and asking myself why didn't I do my homework at home more often? Anyway, I have to get a first hour pass then I will be back.

I feel so much happier now, because now I have an extra day to study for my Change and Rev test. Yea!!! I am going to have to get Jason to help me study for the test. He's my only hero! Anyway, now that you have had a little bit of my crazy mind. I am at the library at my school typing away as usual. I am going to see the To Kill a Mockingbird play today. So, I get to miss most of the school day. I'll type about it when I get home.

I feel so much happier now, because now I have an extra day to study for my Change and Rev test. Yea!!! I am going to have to get Jason to help me study for the test. He's my only hero! Anyway, now that you have had a little bit of my crazy mind. I am at the library at my school typing away as usual. I am going to see the To Kill a Mockingbird play today. So, I get to miss most of the school day. I'll type about it when I get home.

falling into tiny pieces, little scattered pieces...

I wish I could be clean. I wish I could starve myself until I turned blue. I wish I could be the captain of my own shooting star. I wish I wasn't so dumb. I wish I wasn't so serious. I wish I was alone, in a white room and locked up away from people. I don't need people and they don't need me. I wish I wasn't so depressive. I wish I was strong. I wish I was alive. I wish I was a secret. I wish for perfect wishes to come true in perfect ways. I wish too much and too many of the wishes don't come true. I think wishing is my new hobby without the fun. I thought wishes always come true. I thought happy endings were real. I thought my life was a fairy tale. Well, at least I have the stars. there will always be stars.

for the mad

you will be alone at last
in the sanity of your friends.

brilliance will fade away from you
and you will settle in dimmed light.

you will not remember how to mourn
your dying difference.

you will not be better but
they will say you are well.
-Lucille Clifton

Clean, clean, and more cleaning. I love the feel of clean, but often being obsesed with clean can make you dirty. I am suppose to be cleaning my room and my bathroom, but I'm having that procrasting mood again. Anyway, I went to new site and acually talked to the owner of the site. I felt spontanious. Anyway, more tonight.

Today I am going to be strong and not think about Nathen, or love, or self pity myself to death. It's a waste of time anyway. I have to move on and realize that people won't do things for me. I got to do it for myself. I can only depend on me. I have to be trustworthy and worth while. I need to do my homework and clean up my act. I just have to do it and do it now. Or otherwise I am going to end up left at the bottom instead of the top. I know I can be strong. I just need to get rid of my bad habits. That might mean that I have to give up Blogger. :( Bad habits like the TV, internet, phone, movies, and just live I guess. I have to read more and maybe start playing the piano. I just really have to do my homework because that's what I have been avoiding all my life. I need to be clean again and get through the hard stuff. Then I can move on to the easy stuff.

I didn't type into you yesterday. That kinda surprises me. I didn't do my homework last night. I am in the Mrc at my school right now. It's so quiet in here and all you can here really is me typing really fast. It's kinda like a spotlight except I don't want anyone to read this. It's very personal to me. I showed everyone my bruise on my finger today. I just had to keep showing it off. I think I should just keep it to myself for now. Yesterday, my dad and I went to Wal-Mart and picked up my film. The pictures were from Nathen's homecoming and some other just random pictures. I have a picture of the last rose that Nathen got me. Boy, I really am stuck on him. I can't move on. Anyway, afterwards we dropped my dad's car off for an oil change and then walked over to Barnes and Noble. He bought a book for me called What Every Girl Should Know. It's a really interesting book. I feel guilty though that he bought it for me.

It's not
just you
it's the idea
of you
the idea of love
to rub my hands
across your back
to kiss you
knowing
what no one else
knows about you
seeing you
at your weakest
moments
because you're
delicate
your smile
your strong hugs
it's the idea of
you
that makes
my
stomach
tingle.
-Isabella Joy, 18

I've been writing in this thing too much.

girl at play: a page by Alex
detuned RADIO (breakfast with my bed)

I've lost perfection will I ever have it. There's no such word.

I feel like bathing. I feel like cutting myself clean with a sharp blade. I feel so stupid. I don't think the world makes any sense. I don't thinkg anything really makes sense. I don't know if I am suppose to go to a mental institution or if I am completely sane. All I know is that I keep typing until my fingers go num. I need help on my spelling. I like it messed up though. It's not normal. Before I know I was put together again and now I'm falling into scatteredness again. I don't know if anything is real. I don't think life truelly exists. I don't know where I am going all I know is that I am losing myself. I think too much. My dad says I think too much. He has no idea what I am. Nobody does. That's me. Nobody. I am a nobody and yet a somebody. I ignore what I am feeling. I don't know if I am crazy. I don't feel it. Oops, yeah I do. Maybe I am getting PMS again but I have no idea. I am losing my head. I just keep typing without feeling until I lose the feeling in my fingers and stop holding back. Maybe I should hold back. I don't know. I shouldn't hold this against people. I am losing my head. I am holding back. What will happen to these thoughts. Will they melt away into a river stream of nothingness? I don't know. I really don't know.

Sundays make me feel clean. When I go to church I especially feel cleansed. Whatever. Saturdays feel like city nights. Saturdays make me feel like dirt. I sleep in too much. I feel so depressed right now. I feel anxious. I just feel like screaming. I don't know. What's going to happen? I feel like crying, but I won't let myself cry. I won't. I don't know why I am so confused. I guess I understand why I feel this way except I feel so messed up that I don't know where to start and end. It's scribbled marker. It's mud on face. It's this ich that won't go away. I feel so clean and yet dirty. It makes no sense. This alone. This lonliness. This feeling. This beauty. I feel like expressing so much and yet I don't know. I want to be a writer but I don't know if it's right. I don't know if it's wrong. I could just go on typing until my life will never end. What will I prove to people? What will people get from me? What will I get from myself? I have all these questions. I feel myself falling apart again, but I won't let myself fall into pieces. I don't know what is going to happen. I just feel weird. I think these thoughts are going to be deleted again. I don't know what is truelly true. I don't know what is honest. All I know is that I feel myself exploding without a burst. I feel like spattered paint on a white wall. I felt clean last night. I feel clean right now and I know it and yet I don't know it. I let the precious things slip through my hands. I can't take hold of everything. I know I am going drop at any moment. I don't know who will truelly save me. I think my thoughts have always been this way. Screaming to be let free. I am free.

I am a complete mess. this is the second time I have lost my thoughts. My messed up mind can't take it anymore. I ask God or who ever is listening to me, why? Why do you delete my thoughts that I hold so precious. Why won't you let my beautiful work shine through. Why won't you let me feel the comfort. I got so mad and tense. I started banging on the wall and getting mad at myself asking myself why didn't I save this info? Maybe it's trying to tell me that I should just write on paper instead of this blog. This blog won't hold my thoughts forever. Nothing will. Only my mind and it's bits and pieces will hold a part of each thought that I go through. I feel harder and yet somewhat clean. I don't know what's happening to me. I guess I will find out sooner or later. I need something to clean my body. I need to feel clean and completely clean holding nothing. Maybe this blog is just making everything worse. The point of this blog is so people can experience my thoughts and dreams. What does it really show in the end? I think I was shown something a lot of people never see. Anyway, I feel free. Thanks for listening.

Once apon a time there was a girl who started to scribble in her new blog. And in this blog is tiny cut pieces of her mind and heart. Though her whole life seemed broken and scattered, she felt like freshly dried glue. She knew she had to keep part of her messy ways in a little keep sake box somewhere. She decided to store some of her broken thoughts in her new blog. Will anyone ever find her broken pieces and actually read them? We might never know...