It's amazing how people grow and learn and change. I guess I have. I know other people have. I want to change some more. I love the feeling of change. Everything I do is new when I change. Plus the added bonus is that people like new. Like that song by No Doubt "New" which about a girl loving a guy that is new of different than other guys she has ever dated. I like that feeling of a new guy. I guess I want to be a new girl also for the next guy that I date. The only problem is that every guy I get with is not my type or I'm too scared. Plus I say yes too much. I also hate the words "I love you." I know that might sound cruel, but it's true....I don't like those three words. I've heard this before from other people. "I love you" is too over used all the time. Now that I think about it, every guy that I have been with has said I love you. It makes me sick because they try and impress me by saying those words. They think that they're so wonderful to say those words or something for the first time. Well, surprise!!! I have heard those words too much before and I have not always said I love you back.

I really should be doing my work right now, but I'm tired and bored and lazy and busy and a million other excuses. I just like typing in this thing all day long. I really express my thoughts and stuff. It's crazy! Or maybe just I'm crazy. This is the last day of school. Well, except for 3 days of finals. Anyway, the bell rang, so I have to go.

It's amazing how people grow and learn and change. I guess I have. I know other people have. I want to change some more. I love the feeling of change. Everything I do is new when I change. Plus the added bonus is that people like new. Like that song by No Doubt "New" which about a girl loving a guy that is new of different than other guys she has ever dated. I like that feeling of a new guy. I guess I want to be a new girl also for the next guy that I date. The only problem is that every guy I get with is not my type or I'm too scared. Plus I say yes too much. I also hate the words "I love you." I know that might sound cruel, but it's true....I don't like those three words. I've heard this before from other people. "I love you" is too over used all the time. Now that I think about it, every guy that I have been with has said I love you. It makes me sick because they try and impress me by saying those words. They think that they're so wonderful to say those words or something for the first time. Well, surprise!!! I have heard those words too much before and I have not always said I love you back.

I really should be doing my work right now, but I'm tired and bored and lazy and busy and a million other excuses. I just like typing in this thing all day long. I really express my thoughts and stuff. It's crazy! Or maybe just I'm crazy. This is the last day of school. Well, except for 3 days of finals. Anyway, the bell rang, so I have to go.

It's amazing how people grow and learn and change. I guess I have. I know other people have. I want to change some more. I love the feeling of change. Everything I do is new when I change. Plus the added bonus is that people like new. Like that song by No Doubt "New" which about a girl loving a guy that is new of different than other guys she has ever dated. I like that feeling of a new guy. I guess I want to be a new girl also for the next guy that I date. The only problem is that every guy I get with is not my type or I'm too scared. Plus I say yes too much. I also hate the words "I love you." I know that might sound cruel, but it's true....I don't like those three words. I've heard this before from other people. "I love you" is too over used all the time. Now that I think about it, every guy that I have been with has said I love you. It makes me sick because they try and impress me by saying those words. They think that they're so wonderful to say those words or something for the first time. Well, surprise!!! I have heard those words too much before and I have not always said I love you back.

I really should be doing my work right now, but I'm tired and bored and lazy and busy and a million other excuses. I just like typing in this thing all day long. I really express my thoughts and stuff. It's crazy! Or maybe just I'm crazy. This is the last day of school. Well, except for 3 days of finals. Anyway, the bell rang, so I have to go.

Liz is going to have surgery today. I'm nervous and I really want to see her in the hospital. Liz's mom is going to bring Michelle and I to the hospital to see her. I am also going to try and send her some cookies by design. I know she won't be able to eat them but I am going to send them to her anyway. I can't believe it's today. I guess I can't believe because I haven't seen her very much and haven't heard her talking about it. Her and boyfriend aren't going out anymore. I thought they were a sure thing. I do know that she is attracted to tall guys. I like tall guys, but I can never find the right ones. I guess I have to kind of like tall guys since I'm tall and dating a guy shorter than me is akward. I have dated guys shorter than me in the past, but I don't know.

Anyway, the baby shower was a success. My mom did an awesome job. A lot of people came and it was great and scary at the same time. My boss, Mike, was actually in my house! I'm glad he was there though to bring some comic relief. My sister was surprised and she got a lot of baby stuff. Tons of baby clothes. While almost everyone left, I played with Maddie and Sam because they were bored. They tried to tie me up, but they ended up giving up. I like hanging around them because I feel like a big sister. I've always been the little sister. One strange thing is that they are only like 4 years younger than me and I am their aunt. Well step aunt. But they won't call my "Auntie Angie" or anything. Allison keeps on discussing the name for the baby. She can't make up her mind. Everyone thought it was going to be Hannah. Now she's thinking of Anna. It's all crazy. I think I would just let her and Howard decide.

Anyway, I think this is going to turn out to be a long blog, but oh well, I have time. I am going to try and stop biting the skin off of my thumbs. I know that sounds gross, but my thumbs always seem to be dry. Especially at school when I bite them the most. I am going to try and break the habit. In order to break a habit you have avoid a bad habit or make a good new habit in a month. That means I have to stop for a month. Ugh. Anyway, the bell is going to ring. I blog something later tonight.

I can't wait until summer vacation starts. Then I'll be free. I can't wait until I start feeling free again. I can't wait until I start over again. Clean and new. I am going to change a lot this summer. That's my big plan. Work on me. Get myself together again. I am going to make a website hopefully. It will be small and express who I am. And then when I don't like the style, then I'll change it to feel like me. Simple as that. But it's another thing added onto my life. I want to clean out all the extras weighing down my life. Throw away the dirt. You know. I also have been thinking about learning how to live on my own. I am going to be 18 pretty soon and there are a lot of things I need to learn about before I go out and live on my own. Laundry, cars, mowing the lawn, cooking, fixing stuff, and...gulp...money. That's another goal I should put on my list to do this summer. Anyway, I think I am going to go to bed. Goodnight.

Joyful Girl
-Ani DiFranco

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...

Song in my head: "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever know."
I love that song. I love they way I am. I love the two colors blue and yellow together. I like it when my cat walks across my pillow at night. I like Monday mornings. I like trying to think of the perfect words for imperfect things. I love how I grow and learn something new everyday. I love to watch my friends grow. I like the feeling of a drenched street where everything is all musky and freshly washed clean. I love walking home from school and walkdreaming my way home. I like catching dishonest people. I dred lying. I love the feeling of kissing someone on the cheek. I love...

I tiptoe back and forth making sure no one sees me.
Quietly I tiptoe trough life making sure I don't make a noise.
Softly I pick up the words to say...
"LIFE IS FUNNY HOW EVERYONE TIPTOES SO INNOCENTLY THROUGH LIFE NEVER REALLY PUTTING THEIR WHOLE FOOT DOWN."

Life is so hard for me when I procrastinate. I can't do my homwork! I can but I won't because I can't!!! I'm feeling really......grr!!!!!!!!

Listening to Ani DiFranco. She's my medicine these days. Reading a new book called "Life is Funny" by E.R. Frank. Very good so far. I can't put it down. I think I will read a little more tonight.

Last night I couldn't stop crying from watching the rest of Anne Frank. It was so sad and the tears just kept streaming and streaming. I tried to hold them in, but it didn't take long until my face was soaked. I can't believe what happened. I mean I know that's what happened in concentration camps, but on TV was even more realistic. Anne was talking about taking certain things for granted like the sky and the sounds of the outside world. It really inspired me that night and I felt like I should live life more. But of course when I woke up, the feeling of importance of life melted away into the reality that I have to go to school. Anyway, I should probably do my homework and That 70's Show will be on soon. So, bye bye!

Feel so fresh so clean
That's how I feel today or at least now. Walking home from school today got me refreshed. The air was wet and windy. I like the feeling after it rains. Everything outside seems like it has been washed away. The dirty stuff at least. Anyway, I should probably do my homework so tonight I can watch the rest of Anne Frank on ABC on TV tonight. The story is really sad, but Anne inspires me. She's so free and happy. She's a girl with dreams. I guess like any other girl. She's innocent, and honest. She's also a very positive person. I'm so pesimistic all the time or I guess in tune with reality. Who knows? I'm going to go do my homework. I am way behind in Lord of the Flies and I need to catch up. Maybe I'll type something later tonight.

Last night or this morning was very interesting for me. I can't really say what I did and not that I want to anyway. Lets just say it was a great exilerating experience and leave it at that. It feels weird between me and a certain someone. I don't know if he will read this, but if you're reading this right now (You know who you are) that was a great feeling it's just that I feel guilty about it. Don't feel bad. Anyway, umm...okay. Let's start over.

I went shopping a lot today. I bought two shirts, "Out of Range" by Ani DiFranco cd, and Health magazine. I kind of regret buying all those things, but then again I don't. I like both shirts I got, and I am not sure if I like the cd yet. I regret wasting 2 bucks on the magazine. It's a good magazine, it's just that I didn't need the magazine. I want to buy a rainbow belt, but I don't know where to find one. I also want to buy earrings and get my ear pierced. I think I might be a little shopping crazed right now. Anyway, I better head off to dreamland. My kitty is sleeping. She looks so cute when she sleeps. Goodnight.

Am I a good kisser? Well, I guess we will have to find out.....(kisses the screen). Smooch!!! Boys that I have kissed say that I am a good kisser, but they always want to make a girl feel special by lying. I will never really know. What got me thinking about kissing? Well, I went to the yummy site of Skinmarket. The site or store has bath stuff, makeup, hair stuff...basically girly stuff. They also had books and one of the books was The Art of Kissing. I have heard of the book before, but I think it would be great to be labled as a great kisser. I makes me feel gitty! I love kissing! It's so wonderful and funky how there are different feelings and tastes. I think a kiss is better or greater if you're kissing someone you really love. I also think a kiss becomes special if you wait or spend more time with that person before or get the person anxious to kiss you. Also, the more you focus, the better it is. Plus I love those little moments before the kiss when you're so close and you want to kiss them, but you're too shy. I just love falling in love with someone.

It tastes bitter today. I'm on the computer again. I should really be taking a shower and making my bathroom squeky...I mean sqeaky...umm, sqeeky....I don't know. Just it should be sparkling right now! But instead I am looking around at sites like this and this. And of course I have to look at the lovely site of Catherine because I am in love with her site. I love the colors and creativity of her site because it always gives me a great vibe and makes me want to be just like her. I have to work today and I also wanted to try and do my homework. I am trying not to procrastinate. I know it's not working and I'm procrastinating right now, but I guess I broke the rule of work before play. ANYWAY(my most used word), I am trying to find myself again. I want to get some "me" clothes for the summer. But I don't know anything about putting clothes together and getting a feel good reality of me in an outfit. I don't want to become obsesed with fashion and worry about clothes all the time and the way I look. But I want to feel comfortable and to show people what kind of personality I have. I am just to shy to show it. I liked the clothes in an Alloy magazine that this girl had at school. Maybe I should go to the site and look around. I'll be right back. Going here.

Funky...spunky...and just cool. Go here--------->East Coast Girl

Sticky...or I mean stinky!!!! Sorry, I'm just getting a load off of my shoulders. I feel really kind of depressed crazed right now. I just want to get out and do something. Tomorrow, my best friend is saving me by I am going to go to her talent show in which she will be preforming. I am so excited for her! She is such a wonderful ballet dancer. I am nervous for her and kind of jealous. She is becoming such a wonderful person. She has always been a wonderful person it's just that nobody noticed. Now she's getting the attention she deserves. I am kind of nervous too because I feel like I am going to lose her. I am becoming so dull and confused and just a pain in the butt lately. I don't know what I wrong with me. I mean I know what is wrong with me...I'm depressed...it's just that I don't want to feel this way. And again I am still wanting to change. I want to become somebody. I am nobody right now. I know I am such a downer, but I just feel like typing out all of feelings. I feel like people read this but really I am the only person that reads this. I don't what's going to happen in the future. I want to become something, but I don't know how. I want to go some where, but I don't know where to go and I feel trapped and just stinky like old socks. I want to become unique, and I want to become me. but the truth is I don't know who I am. I don't what to do everyday. I don't want to become shy, but I guess I have too. That's just the way that I am.