Feeling absolutely spine tingling delicious!

It was one of those nights you wish didn't end. A night where you don't even need the stars to come out to make it special. I'm getting into that blind love feeling and to tell you the truth, it feels wonderful. I don't want to ever wake up.

Do you hate her because she's pieces of you?-Jewel

Okay, now I really need to get everything together after school today because each passing day becomes more and more stressful. I guess because I'm in that perfectionist groove right now and I want everything to be organized and right. Mostly because I haven't been doing my homework or really concentrating on school. I've been in a daze. I guess I want to keep my grades balanced and try and get straight As this semester because all of my classes seem so easy. I'm not even really trying hard at all. Today, 9th hour (By the way I am in computer class right now) I have a math test. Kind of nervous and kind of in that mood that thinks, "I don't care."

Work was hard yesterday because there was this new girl and she wasn't paying attention to me while I was showing her how to do things. She was nervous and trying hard and I can understand that. I could also be nice to a couple of mistakes, but I think she screwed up like 5 orders. I wonder if my boss got kind of angry at me maybe because I was not doing my job of trying to help her. Oh well. It's a new day.

I have to start thinking about what I am going to do when I get home so I can organize my life. First I think I should organize my backpack. Then my room. Maybe start cleaning the ever creepy and scary closet. There are some other things I want to accomplish like start eating healty and exercising. I was just thinking about everyday after school I should go on the tredmill and walk for like 30 minutes. I only went on the tredmill for 2 days last week because it was really hard to run for 15 minutes. I think I should slow down and just walk. It doesn't seem like much but I heard of many people losing weight because of walking. I also want to start saving my money. I have a really big wishlist at amazon.com. I should wait until my birthday or Christmas to get them. So, lets see...stay organized, do homework, eat healthy, exercise, save money...hmmm....oh yeah! Start reading more. I really want to start reading The Catcher in the Rye. The beginning seems good and maybe I'm just lazy to read. Maybe I should read on the weekends or before I go to bed. I'll figure it out. I know this seems really boring to however is reading this, but I am just trying to get my life back together. So this is really important to me.

Anyway, I am having a really good day today. If only I go home, do my homework and clean my room then everything will be wonderful. I just have to ignore the T.V., the internet, and get started. I have to stop being such a lazy ass.

Absolutely wonderful feeling...

Feeling tired...

I haven't been doing the things that I've been wanting to do lately. Haven't been doing homework. Haven't been keeping my room clean. Haven't been waking up on time. Haven't been studing. I feel like I'm falling. I hate my daily route. What happened to the good routine that I had made on my own before? So, far I am getting As in all of my classes except for Chemisty. My teacher makes me mad because he gets me confused and I guess I don't study. I just give up. I really wish I wasn't like this. I should go do my math homework and the homework that was due today. The teacher didn't check to see if I did it. I don't want to hate school because you learn so much. School keeps my life put together and makes me feel like I have a life. I'm not the only one. I think tomorrow I am going to start getting help from the teachers. I guess I only need help with math right now and the test is Thursday. All I need to do is ask for help. That's I need to do.

This whole homecoming thing is getting to me. Why do schools have dances anyway? I like dances, but to me I don't really do much. I guess it is a good way to spend a Saturday night. Today, a boy asked me to the dance. I don't know if I like him, but I don't feel as excited as I was before. He's different than me and doesn't seem like my type. I know he's not perfect, but I just don't feel comfortable around him. I guess because I hardly know him. Maybe I should have just gone to the dance alone. I feel like I'm trapped in going with a guy. It's like I won't feel like myself if I don't have a guy with me. I know it's stupid. It makes me mad the way I am that I can't handle being alone. I love knowing that I can depend on myself and take care of things by myself. I only wish I could get everything straight. I am not saying perfect, just independent lifestyle. On my own.

I've been really thinking of Liz. I hope she's okay. I think I am going to call her after I get finished typing. I miss her not being around. We have different friends. Different things we do. I really miss her. I don't know why I feel so...sad. I also keep on thinking that one day we will share an apartment together. I can also image us getting into fights about our different lifestyles. I don't care I just really like her so much I don't know why right now. Why?

The world is so funny. Why does it make me cry...

Music I like:
Tori Amos
Moby
The Beatles
Incubus
Radiohead
No Doubt
Matchbox20
Jewel
Coldplay
Alanis Morissette
Ani Difranco

Say the word serendipity...

My love horoscope reads,"Has your free-to-be-me philosophy yielded to a r-r-relationship? September 26 will tell." I like that "free-to-be-me" because it says exactly how I feel and maybe to many other girls it means something too. Honestly I think one half of me has that philosophy and the other half of me wants a relationship to cling to. I enjoy independence and the free will to do things I want to do by myself, but I fancy sharing something special with another human-being. Learning and growing and blooming into a memory I won't forget. Mostly and lately I have struck my friendship nerve. I love my friendships, the uniqueness of all of them. I love sharing, laughing, and growing with them. Why have a love relationship when I already have a love relationship with my friends? Thank God for them otherwise I wouldn't know who I am. The real problem is I can't make my friends...my life.

I got Tori Amos's new cd yesterday called StrangeLittleGirls. I haven't listened to the whole thing because I was listening to it before I fell asleep. So far I think it is very good and I think I am going to enjoy it fully. I also have been thinking about getting another album by Ani DiFranco. They both have this incredibly awesome vibe that I get when I listen to them.

Anyway, it's weird to say this now, but I am trying to talk to someone that I desperatly want to talk to, but I can't seem to start off a good conversation with him. I can't name who because I would be really embarrased to mention his name. I don't even know why. I'm in that mood where I have this boy I like and I like thinking about him.

School is going great even though I do not know all of my grades. So far I know I am getting an A both in Spanish and Math. Okay, I have to go on back to the subject about the boy. I tried to avoid the subject, but it failed. Thinking about him doesn' t make me feel so lonely anymore. But then again it does. I all of sudden got that tingle in my spine like something great is going to happen. You know whenever you get a crush, you feel totally blissful and lightheaded. Now I really want to talk to him. Okay on to a different subject now.

Yesterday I went on the tredmill after school for 30 minutes. It felt great to exercise again. While I was on the tredmill I was watching Tori's music videos. I switched off walking and running like for one song I ran and then the next song I walked, then the next I ran and you get the point. I got really sweaty, changed for work, walked to work and then....worked. That reminds me I have to tell my boss that I am going to Homecoming because then he will know not to schedule me on that day...

sorry I have to go because the bell is going to ring and I want to go try and talk to you know who....

Isn't it amazing when you actually have those moments that you know will never happen again or will not happen until years later. Right now I am licking a swirly lollipop, listening to U2, and it's storming raindrops on my window. Even though the moment isn't perfect, it makes the day unique and different than any other day.

I cleaned out my junk drawer today and found things that I haven't seen in a while. Now I am going to make that drawer my picture drawer. I really want to take a lot of pictures of my friends and stuff. I also need to buy picture frames for all these pictures I have. I also went to Moby's site tonight. His diary is really cool.Today he talked about swimming naked in a pool on top of a roof. He said he could see the whole skyline. That's really cool. It almosts wants me to go swim naked right now. :)

I love yellow cotton underwear...
Liz, I just have to say...I love you to death! I loved your last entry in your open diary where you typed in big letters. I bet it felt good to get all that anger out. Boys, boys, boys. That's all that we've been talking about. I think we need a better topic. Also, I was just thinking about this and for some reason I always feel this way and I don't know why. I always feel like I am in competition with my closest friends. Especially you, Liz. For some reason my mind always thinks that I have to be better than everyone else. I know I'm not or will ever be. In fact I'm a real person just like the people I see everyday with flaws. I'm not pretty. In fact I like not being pretty. I don't want to be a model. I do know that I want to have their skinny body, but I also know I can't have their body. Forgive me Liz, but I've always felt like I want to be this skeleton like body. Umm... I don't know why I typed that.

First kisses are the best. They're like hearing a great song for the first time on the radio...

Well, it turns out that I didn't get my shit together Sunday. That's why today I am going to start my days of getting my shit together today. I think everyone knows now about the tragic events that happened yesterday in New York City, Washington D.C, and Pittsburg. I pray to those who lost loved ones and to the ones whose lifes are forever changed. I was very surprised as was everyone in the world as to what happened. If I didn't have such a fear of getting my blood taken, I might have donated some blood. I know that is not an excuse since people are dying, but I am very afraid of stuff like that. I hope New York gets rebuilt together again so then New Yorkers can start off a new beginning.

I really wish this cold would go away....but anyway, I am really sleepy. I think when I get home I am going to take a nap. I know I have homework to do, but right now I need sleep. When I am going to wake up I am going to start off the first step to getting my shit together by cleaning out my school bag and organizing my desk at home. I have nothing more important to say so, I will say as the presidents always say when they finish a speech, "Goodnight and God bless."

Today was well spent.
Liz and I went cruising around because we both felt like getting away from home. She just got her license and we needed to celebrate by driving around and feeling free. It was a lot of fun just the two of us going places. We went first to her church's rummage sale and picked up a few books. Then we grabbed a bite to eat and then just went around to different places. I hope we do it again sometime.

When I got home I cleaned my bathroom and dusted the basement. After that I felt really tired so I decided to take a short nap. When I woke up, my parents and I went to Sam's Club and then came home for supper. When supper was finished, we watched the movie Cyotote Ugly and now I am here typing to you. I had a really nice day and I hope whoever is reading this had a great day too.

Tomorrow I am going to get my shit together. I've been wanting to do that for a while. Goodnight all!

Well, it turns out that I might be doing something in the play. I might do lights, but it is very hard to do it because there is so many people up there already. I just want to do something in the play. Also, I am starting to develop crushes on certain people. Teenager that I am, but still I shouldn't date anyone right now and just focus on homework, friends, and family. But I've been having this unforgivable urge to kiss someone. I miss that feeling of getting close to someone. Oh well, maybe it's good for me to not kiss anyone. They might get my cold or something. I've been really sick lately and I don't know why. Sometimes I feel like I am going to throw up and at other times I just want to sleep endlessly. Sorry, for that little discusting imformation there. I told this to Liz (Who by the way got her license the other day. Congrats Liz!) That I keep on thinking about prom. Am I going to go? Who will I go with? Will I ever go? I just don't want to go with anyone. I want to go with some one that I know I am going to have a fun time with and a person that I know I will have good memories with. What is wrong with me? Why am I becoming some sort of mushy, gushy, teenager that preys on boys. I don't want to play any games or go out with anyone. It's pointless. I need someone to come looking for me. I need to just run into someone like as if it was meant to be. Something magical.

Go here...Pen Addictions. Very cute and adnormal life style that would be interesting to have. Notebooks and pens all over the place full of scattered information. I have grown to love typing these days. I can not stop typing out my neverending thoughts jumbled inside my head. I think my love for writing has come back only that I am not writing, I am typing. Today is going by so quickly. Sooner or later I will be home typing here again. Sorry, I forgot to tell you that I am at school right now in computer class. It is very hard to have privacy here when these computer screens are so big. I decided that I am not going to try out for the play. Yes, I have given up trying to become something I am not. Instead I will go to the plays instead of being in them. This year I have decided to go to all the events happening at this school. I will try to go to as many as I can.

I lost a very good piece of writing that I just wrote and now it has dissappeared out nowhere. It can't come back. Damnit. What? You don't care? Well, I bet if you lost something you would be pretty mad too. Time for sleep. Sleep is good. Very good. I'm just really mad that I lost that huge story I typed up. I really liked it and now it's gone. I know I should not get mad and I should just forget about it, but why? I will remember that story about the Drive-in sky. Okay, maybe it wasn't that good, but it was a piece of writing that I had to think very hard at. I really like typing now. I think I have become a typing/writing psyco.

Your eyes can't keep still it just thinks and does what it's suppose to do. It jumps and breathes on it's own. It's alive inside you spitting out rose petals. So, much in so little time. So many things. I know this doesn't mean anything to you. Have you ever felt like everything is exploding and everything is crazy inside that you just don't care. All you know is that beauty is coming out so fast you can't control it. I know this doesn't make any sense to you. but maybe it does. If you felt like I do now you would understand. Maybe you'll lie. That's nice of you. I don't want it to go away. I don't want to be tired and bored. I don't want to be a teenager. Being a teenager almost feels like an old woman. I think I know everything, but really I'm just a baby. I don't look like what I feel inside. Inside I'm this girl... Words can't describe who I think I am. I can't see who you really think you are. I wish I could see the real you though. Why do I want to fall in love? Why can't I just be alone, by myself? Could I survive? Maybe. Alone. So alone. Why does the world say that being alone is the worst thing in the world? Why can't the feeling of alone be blissfully happy? the love could be cold and dark and bitter. Words are just fragments of puzzles of meanings. We haven't discovered all the rest of our nothingness. All the rest of those things that have no names. All the rest of the world that hasn't been there yet. Those things don't exist yet because they are not a word. I feel tired. My mind is too over used right now that it doesn't want to think anymore. Sleep is good.

It's like everything makes sense. I need to try. I need to not be under the covers in my own zone. I need to go past all that boring routine of being shy and quiet. I am going to get up and dance and who cares if someone is watching. My arms swimming in the air flaying. Doves escaping into the blue. My voice finally singing. Dancing by myself with no one around to judge me or stare. No one to be by my side. No desire to love someone. No wanting and waiting for the right angel sent from heaven to be my destiny. No groom. Now and forever real. Reality is really beautiful if you become alive by yourself. You have to stop and think about what the hell you are doing right now. What could you be doing right now. Words can't say anything. People can't do anything. They are clones just like you waiting for some release. They don't want to be used. How come everyday I feel used and unwanted? How come everyday I pass by people I want to be? How come I stare at them and desire to be them? Why does everything have to have an answer? Why can't life just be some kind of pain. Why doesn't everyone want life to be hard? Why do we have to overcome some kind of invisible age and why do we cry? Why don't we cry as much as we smile? Why do we hide our emotions? We think we have the answers. I know I don't. I don't know why I feel smart or stupid at times. I know people think I'm not worth it. I know I like to be me. I'd like to cry in front of someone who doesn't understand and will yell at me. I know I want to be angry at some one when they didn't even do anything wrong. I know I'm wrong. I'm not trying to pity myself. I'm just trying to type. I know I won't be the world's greatest thing. I can believe I could be but I'm not just one thing. I'm everything. I'm apart of you. These words don't mean anything. They are just here like you are here reading them. You don't need to. I don't even need to type. I'm not trying to prove everything. You're not as smart as you think you are and I know I'm not what I think I am. I know you think of me different than someone else. You have your own opinion. So do I. You can judge me all you want, but you will never really matter to me or will I matter to you. We're just here. If writing makes me someone then I am free. I don't need a man. I don't need someone to kiss goodnight or love. Love is writing when the words don't ever make sense, they only come from the heart. They are fragments and pieces of something apart of me. I'm not trying to be anyone. I have flaws. I love to joke like life doesn't matter or I'm going to die tomorrow. I might be crazy. You may think I'm not. I'm just a girl, right?

Ugly green eyed monster attack...
I want to try out for my school play, but I am really nervous. I keep on having the feeling you get like you should just not ever bother with doing something, but then again there is always a possiblity that something really cool with happen. My last chance to try out is tomorrow. But the only problem is I have to work. I should have tried out today, but I walked by instead thinking in my head,"I would never make it anyway." Then all these things have been going through my mind like, what if I made it? It would be the most greatest thing in the world for me. But I've never acted before. I'm not experienced. But what's wrong with trying? I almost want to shout out and show all my emotions and make some noise. Maybe show them my crazy side within. But it's too afraid to show it's scary self. Oh well. I'm still nobody. Why am I so blue and confused?

I've tried to get involved in school since I decided to quit basketball and all it's hardships. I feel very poetic today or just trying to act like an actress. I need to live extreme and crazy. I need to shout out and be somebody. I want to get involved, but I'm not getting off my ass and doing anything. I feel this strange sort of pessimistic attitude today like I'm going to die tomorrow and never come back. It's like my pulse is finally jolting out of my body. I don't know where this energy came from it's just gushing out of me like my whole body is going to rain. Maybe I can even create my own thunderstorm. It's this twister of goodness like a beautiful new beginning. I don't know why I'm typing this because I know everyone thinks I'm just a normal, odd girl going crazy or in love with herself. It's like I'm nobody and nobody seems to understand who I am. I am not just a teenager who loves to write and be this. I'm not the outside. When you look at me, you think you're better than me or you convince yourself that you are better than me. Well, I don't care what you think. I'm just going to go on typing because that's what I want to do now until I die. Fuck you.

P.S. sorry about the virgin suicides link. It doesn't go the the correct site

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LIZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's my best friend's birthday today! She's going to get her license and I hope she passes the test. We're going to stay over at a hotel tonight for her birhday. Very exciting! We're going to go swimming in the pool. I've seen pictures of me in a bathing suit and I don't like them very much. I never knew I looked so bad, but oh well. I'm not the only person in the world that doesn't look good in a bathing suit. Still very excited. I have to wrap her present and make it beautiful. I really hope she likes it because it was very hard to get. Still very excited!!!

I feel very sneezy today and very cranky. I keep on yelling at people. I yelled at my mom this morning. Not really good, but I had to get all that yucky thoughts out of my head. I should go tell her I'm sorry. Maybe I have bad PMS today. I dont' really know. Anyway, I have to do stuff today so I better stop typing on this thing.