I apologize for that last entry. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I seemed really really mad. I feel much better today and I don't know why I felt so angry yesterday. I like waking up after a bad day because you feel so much better like you just got over some bad case of the flu or something. I feel sick today and just want to fall asleep on my nice and cofy bed only I have the joy of going to work today. I feel really lathargic lately. wow, yeah...I used a big word. anyway, ugh...I feel sick. When I get home I am going to take a small nap before I go to work and then when I get home from work I am going to go right to bed. I think I will feel much better tomorrow.

Is there something wrong with me or is it just regular female experience? It seems like I fall in love with every guy I meet. Why can't I be strong and just not think about boys in that way? I don't know how people just ignore being alone. It drives me crazy. Damnit I thought about him again. and that other dude again. Oh yeah...thanks for reminding me...yeah...that big god damn mistake.

I'm gaining weight. It's a known fact. Hey! and just in time for basketball season to start! Except guess what?!! I'm not going to be in basketball! Instead I am probably going to keep gaining weight until I end up really hating myself. That damn rocky road ice cream. That evil american pie pizza. That possesed and devilish chocolate. Why do all of sudden I feel like I'm falling apart?

Why do I feel like I am going to cry any second?

I hate this. I hate my life. I hate being in this body and having this strange personality. I hate my face and my body and the way it is and why it won't be the way I want it to be. I hate my shyness and encredable way I can't spell words. I hate feeling so conceited. I hate the way I say the wrong things. I hate the way I can't try a little harder. I hate the way I love and chase boys. I hate the way I look at people. I hate the way I dress. I hate the way I can't stand up for myself. I hate that I lie. I hate seeing couples in the hallway kissing each other. I hate being a dork. I hate not talking. I hate talking. I hate that I quit basketball. I hate that I can't get better grades. I hate the way I watch MTV every fucking day. I hate the way I hate myself. I hate feeling spoiled. I hate being lazy. I hate that I won't take respondsibility. I hate the way I act too serious. I hate the way I laugh and sing and cry. I hate it when they tell me they love me when really they don't. I hate when some guy picks another girl over me. I hate being dumped. I hate when I dump a guy. I hate relationships. I hate school. I hate my room. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.

Does that sound good to you?

P.S. My new e-mail address is FallingUp3@aol.com

Reoccuring song in my head: You Rock My World -Micheal Jackson

Just a quick note:

Liz,
I love you so much!!! Thank you for taking the time to write in your online journal to express those heartwarming words to me. You are better than the best and I mean that! I never thought about it, but yes, we should be united. Only we have to have our own little taste of expression other wise we would drive each other crazy!!! Well, I guess we already do that. Hehe. I'm sorry for being such a jealous zombie. Also, I really like that diary entry because you sound so happy that you could tackle anything that would try to make you unhappy. I'm glad you had a fun time at Snowball Camp. I wish I could have gone. Don't worry about not calling me...I was dead to the world and wouldn't have been able to talk anyway. We'll talk later when ever you have time.

Love you to bits!!!
-Angie
xoxoxo

3 girls...There she goes

I think I have started a new online journal except I don't know if I am comfortable with it yet. I've written in this one for a while and I don't want to get rid of it, but I feel like something new. Then again, who doesn't feel for something new? Anyway, here it is...

notebook paper

What would life be without drama?

Read Liz's notes at her Open Diary. She seems to be really popular which is wonderful because more people need to recognize her by what she truelly is. Makes me jealous. I wish I could see her this weekend. Seems like I haven't seen her in so long. It's seems to be a pattern. I miss her, then she misses me, then I miss her, then she misses me. I really wish I knew what's going on inside that little head of hers. I wonder what she's thinking and what she's worrying about. I wonder what she thinks about me and why she's the way she is. How come I feel so connected to her, but then sometimes she feels so distant?

Dan really seems like such a perfect guy, but I feel like there has to be some kind of string attached to this perfectness. He is so open, that's all I know. I remember saying to him that I wished all guys were like him. I know that could never possibly happen. Makes me think some more about what kind of man I want. Sometimes it's great just to dream and wonder knowing that there is some guy or girl out there that will love you back. Hopefully there is one.

I've been kind of wondering whether or not Liz is becoming best friends more with Dan than me. But I can't be jealous because I've had my share of her for 7years. Makes me wonder how I came to trust her so much and how am I going to do that with a guy? How do people know each other for 2 months and just know they are perfect for each other?

I thought about just now and asked myself why did I go out with the guys I went out with. Colin, Nathen, Rich, Don, Tim and Brian. With Colin I was just a dumbass and wanted a boyfriend because I never had one before. Nathen: We became friends and I think we just both felt this was as good as it was going to get. We stayed together because we were scared to tell each other the truth. Rich: A way to get over Nathen, thought I liked him, but really just felt lonely. Don: Cute, different, knew what to do with girls, but really was just a pimp. Tim: I liked the way we met because when we talked, it felt like magic, but really I think we had no one else to talk to. Brian: Nice, understanding, really just wanted to go to the dance with him, but instead ended up to be a relationship I was too afraid to say no to.

Damnit! I am really such a dumbass with boyfriends. I think I am going to quit dating until I know it will work out. Someone who I know I will act myself around and I know they will except me that way. Hopefully there is someone out there like that...

I hate when I feel lonely. I always start thinking about past relationships.

I don't want to be lonely.

There are so many things I have to get out of my head right now and I feel like typing them down here. Here I go:

The play was a success! Saturday night I think we sold out of tickets. I really loved this play and I adore every character that was in it. Every ending with the lights seemed to be perfect. I just love doing the lights and I think Ryan and I are going to be doing lights until we graduate. Yea!!! By the way, thank you to all the people that I am really close to for coming. It really meant a lot to me.

Movie, movies, movies! I just want to see so many! I want to rent The Mighty because I remember it being a really inspirational movie. In the theatre I want to go see Serendipity and Riding in Cars with Boys. Next weekend I also have to go mini golfing with Jenny, Kelli, Ryan, and maybe Jackie and Megan. It will be so much fun because I have been meaning to get out of the house. Plus this Friday, my parents' friends are coming and I don't feel like dealing with them. Thank god I get to work that day. Saturday is Jackie's Halloween party which means I have to figure out my costume. Sunday I'll have to go mini golfing. I guess I won't have time to see a movie next weekend. That's okay, I'll have fun anyway.

Liz, babe, I love you so much! Thank you for your many compliments! We need, I mean NEED to get together sometime and talk about anything and everything. I'll bring pizza! I miss you too!

Alright, here's the word that's been rolling around in my head all this month: PERFECT. I really need to get my shit together. I don't think I will be able to start getting organized until next week when I don't have anything planned. Also, I have officially started my so called diet today. I'm also going to start exercizing until I can't take anymore. I should also start reading everynight. It's the beginning of a cleaner and brighter me! This morning, I really paid attention to what I was eating. I had a piece of toast with rasberry jam and a glass of ice water. So far it's going great.

So lets see...diet, exercise, read, clean room and bathroom, homework, and...and...oh yeah! The most important stuff. My personality. I really don't want to be a quiet depressive girl. I should also allow myself to have bad days. I really want to treat everyone around me better. I can get people really confused and then they think the wrong thing. Mostly I need to treat people better than I do now. Especially my parents and close friends. I also want to start walking to school because I am sick of relying on people to give me rides. I also need to start saving my money. I need to deposit some money in the bank next weekend. Anything else? No more T.V. or internet at home. I get enough of that.

One more thing....I have to buy the new Incubus CD tomorrow!!! Alright I'm done.

I have fifteen minutes to type a fraction of all the things I want to say.

Each day play practice seems to be ending later, later, and later. Last night I didn't get home until 9:45. School is turning into my second home away from home. We are doing much better with the lights it's just that everyone is stressed out because Mr. S wants it to be perfect as can be. I don't blame him, but it's not good to get everyone worked up to the point of grabbing knifes and almost killing ourselves. Tonight is the night before the performance and I am sure everyone will be extremely impatient and annoyed.

On a lighter note, school is going great. I have been actually doing my homework and concentrating on school. Hopefully I didn't speak too soon. However, I am behind in Creative Writing. There are all these papers I want to write that are all done at the end of the quarter and I don't know where to start. Yesterday, the psat test wasn't that bad. For some strange reason I liked being challenged with the test. I wasn't stressed at all.

Anyway, maybe if I get home early tonight I will type some more on this thing. I also have to call Liz back. Sorry babe.

I feel naked without wearing socks.

Listening to the wonderful Bjork, Vespertine. Her music is so calming, fresh, clean, honest and original. I have never really listened to any of her music before, but this album is absolutely wonderful listening. It almost sounds like the air is sparkling.

Anyway, still feeling like I should clean up my act. I want to decrease the mess and keep the basic needs in my life. Get rid of the useless crap, like swear words. It really makes me dirty when I swear and I've noticed I've been swearing a lot lately. Also, I've got FAT on the brain these days. I woke up today thinking, "I think today I am going to starve myself." Then a few hours later I'm eating a bowl full of rocky road ice cream. I'm really stupid I know. I remember last year I went to basketball practice hadn't eaten anything all day. It felt so good. I was exercising, eating hardly anything. Now, I'm doing the exact opposite. Eating a lot of junk food, and not exercising. Ugh.

I want to learn about other people's lives and wonder why they live the way they do.

Yesterday was really wonderful. I drove my parents around and did erons (sp?). It was raining heavily as if the world was up side down. Went to trade winds, a very natural hippy store that I love going to. I was looking for this one little bag I saw the last time I was there and they didn't have it anymore. Felt upset about that. But otherwise it was a well spent day spent with wonderful parents. Watched Saturday Night Live last night for the first time in a while. Also rented The Rocky Horror Picture Show to see what it was all about. My parents didn't like it at all. I thought it was interesting and gave you a different point of view. Funny and weird. Maybe it's not my type of musical, but it was a new experience.

I am going to go take a shower now, because I want to call this one girl back that I like being friends with and do something today with her. so, I'm off to the shower.

Pure good old fashioned girl goodness...

Thinking a lot today about what kind of girl I am. Feeling kinda bummed because I screwed up doing the lights practicing for the play today or I guess now yesterday. Felt like such a dumbass. Got a little punchy with the buttons. All I need to do is start over and ignore the past mistakes and tomorrow just start all over and do things right. Also feeling really conceited lately. Thinking about myself too much is not good. Feeling really big as in chunky big today. Maybe it's that after time-of-the-month feelings. I usually feel depressed afterwards. Okay, maybe that was a little too much information. Also, still confused about what kind of clothes style I have. I thought I figured this out a long time ago. Anyway...

Still feeling that wanting to be clean-cut and new. I wish I could get a makeover this weekend and then on Monday go to school a totally different person. I really wish I wasn't afraid of them, all the people at school. I'm so timid and afraid to wear certain clothes because I guess I'm afraid they might stare or say something mean. I'm so pathetic.

I just want to organize and skim the fat out (no phun intended) of my life. I mean the things that I don't need to do in my life. Watch T.V and such. I have so much stuff in my room that I want to get rid of. My wardrobe feels like a disaster because my mind is totally confused about what kind of clothes I really like. What do I want to show other people on the outside. Plus I feel bad for all the money I have been spending and that I haven't been saving my money at all. I really need to get my life together and make it perfect and clean cut.

I feel much better now because maybe I got those two tests over with. They weren't that hard, just that they made me think. I need to tell him how I feel that's all I know I have to do. I feel so imbalanced and stressed. Last night I also had these really weird thoughts about no eating anything anymore and just starving myself to death. I don't feel that way anymore, but I don't like the way that I look. I've been trying to be that kind of girl that doesn't care what kind of weight she is. All I guess I have to keep thinking to myself about is that I'm healthy and that's all that counts. I guess, to tell you the truth, I don't want to end up looking like my mom. I know that sounds really bad and I know if I told her that, it would really hurt her feelings. I know if someone told me that they didn't want my body I would cry too.

Relaxed and yet unsettled.

It's really amazing to hear girls talk about their future. It makes me sort of sorry for the guys. They plan that they're going to get married and have kids. What are guys thinking of doing? I think I kind of have it all planned out, but I'll explain about that later.

Felt really depressed when I woke up this morning. I was thinking about basketball and how much I miss it. Megan kept on saying I should try out, but it's too late. Now I fully understand how Liz felt when she couldn't do ballet anymore.

Liz. Thank you for everything. You are so beautiful in more ways than one.

The truth is...

I really love my best friend. All my other friends don't like her. Even my boyfriends didn't like her. What do I say to her? I defend her whenever they say something. Liz has the greatest personality. She has made me realize so many things. I know she has flaws. She's not perfect. In fact I love her style and her philosophy. I have flaws. She knows that too. We both forgive each other. Not many people have that kind of relationship. We both can be a bitch sometimes. We both study each other. We both have different styles. We have different philosophies. But we both realize it's okay to have your own opinion and we both except that we both have different lives and we can't shape the other one to be what we want them to be. I lot of people think she's crazy. I bet if they knew me...they would think I was crazy too. Liz is not afraid to tell things like it is. I am. I shy away from things and lie and adjust myself to this media. I guess I make myself better than what I am. A shadow. I wonder even if I told Liz who I really am, I wonder if she would even be my best friend. I think she would.

I don't know why I'm like this. I'm human. Everyone is like this. I'm afraid of everything that I am. I wish she knew what I was feeling. but I can't express in words the way I am feeling. I'm afraid of crying. but I already am. I am afraid to tell a boy that I just want to be friends. I am afraid of getting involved in school. I am afraid of becoming something extreme that I might get embarrassed. Blushing. I guess I can't trust. I can't trust my best friend. I can't trust my parents. my family. I can't trust myself. I don't have enough confidence. I really love her. I can't even believe how much we are friends. It's like a dream. I want to tell her everything, but for some reason I am afraid. I don't even know how she can trust me and tell me everything. I guess I want to keep it all hidden.

I write too much...

I'm jealous. I'm confused on what to do. I don't know what I want. I can't find the answer. I can't get things straight.

She's so beautiful. She's so wonderful. She's so everything I wish I was. If only people would see how spine tingling wonderful she is. She makes me so happy. She gets me away from my family for awhile. I'm getting confused as to what's more important...family or her. I wish she knew how I feel right now. I just can't lose her. I'm so afraid I am going to loose her. I don't want her to go. She gave me everything I have right now and she gave me confidence. I am so thankful to have her. I just don't want to make her mad or make her go away. She's always there. She's always been there. I wish she was here.

Wow...it's Sunday...

I haven't been online at all lately. Feels good that I haven't been on. Anyway...life is funny. I have so many perfect moments in my life. The thing is that they're not perfect, they're just completely beautiful.

I read my best friend's journal. I'm not just writing this because I know she's reading this. I'm saying what I'm feeling at this exact moment because I know it's true and right. For my whole life I have been scared and sort of hiding from things. I don't know why I'm shy or why I have become this quiet nature. No one really knows anything about me. I'm so closed up inside. Writing is my love. Writing sets me flying and turns me into anything. Writing has always been my way to let people know who I am. There is no way I can express in writing how much I love writing right now. I turn people away and not let them know how I feel. I wonder if that is because of what happened when I was a child, but maybe it's just how I am. I love keeping secrets from my parents. It's not right, but I guess that's how it's always been. If my parents knew what was going on in my world, they would lock me away and never let me have a personality. It's not there fault. It's just the way I've always been. I guess maybe because they treat me like a child. My mom doesn't let me breath any bit of the world. Maybe because she doesn't want anything to happen to me like what happened to her. I love my mom to bits. It's just sometimes I wish I didn't have to take care of her. I wish she was happy. I wish she wasn't all depressed and hopeless. I wish my dad was happy. I wish I could let him taste life instead of watching the T.V. every night. I've always wanted to be my dad. Last week I hit my mom. I hit my mom. How could I have done that? She said,"Now all three daughters have hit me." I cried. I remember when I was little and my dad would fight my sisters. I didn't know who the victim was, the sister or the dad. We watch our parents and see what they do. I think that's why I hit my mom because my dad use to hit my sisters. Why am I making this a pity party for myself? I don't even know why or how this lead up to this. I'm not trying to get attention. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Other people in the world had it worse than me. Liz. Why do I complain when someone I know had it worse. I can't complain to her because I know she had is rough.

There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
— Ovid, METAMORPHOSE

Yes!!!! I am very happy right now because everything seems to be starting over again. Sort of. I did my homework last night and finished my Spanish presentation today. A load has been lifted off of my shoulders. I guess because I finally got off my lazy ass and did stuff yesterday. Last night I started reading the Catcher in the Rye and decide to start reading every night before I go to bed. Smells like a plan. Anyway, I have nothing more to say except Liz, love you and miss you babe!

Didn't finish my homework and I don't think I ever will tonight. I went scraping websites tonight for a picture of the moon. It's for a Spanish project that I was suppose to do tonight. I feel really bad that I didn't finish. I just couldn't find any good pictures. Plus I'm just stuck feeling like I can still do this tomorrow. I have been putting homework off for some time and I hate it when I'm like this. Why can't I just do my homework? I don't want to let my partner down, the one that's doing the project with me, but I just can't do it. I keep putting it off and off until I just don't feel like doing it. I guess I will have to work on it tomorrow. I should have started over the weekend. I feel really stressed out and I know it's my fault. Damnit! I know I shouldn't swear but I feel like doing it to myself tonight. Why can't I just do my homework? I'm such a lazy ass. Why do I have to be like this? Is it stress? Perfectionism? Routine? Laziness? Why? I hate when I'm like this and I hate having to do things. I just want to relax. But I can't. I'm getting all worked up over nothing. I should really work on my project. But I just want to go to bed. My room is a disaster. Homecoming is coming up. My dog can't get house trained. The play starts next week. My sister is coming Friday. I have a project due Wednesday. I have to read part of a book due tomorrow. I have to work the day of the homecoming game. New girls at work are driving me crazy. A boy wants to go out with me, but I don't want to really go out with him. I feel like I could burst into tears at any second. STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do I have to be this way? I hate myself so much for doing this. Why can't I be respondsible? Why can't I be organized? Why can't I be perfect?

I guess I should listen to Anne Frank: "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

It's a new beginning...

Okay, I have to get out what I am feeling right now... My life is so messed up right now and I am too lazy to put it back together again. I'm such a slacker. That's the key word of my life these days: SLACKER. Going to go rollarblading maybe to help me think a little bit. I'll be back.